Spare Parts

oops

2012-02-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Bonnie on Pinterest

In Response

2012-02-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

Most people that know me, know that for years, the place of women in the church and the theology behind it has been close to my heart. Recently, John Piper, a respected teacher, speaking to a group of pastors, described what he believes as God's intention for Christianity to have a "masculine feel." Admittedly, this smacks in the face of so much of what I believe about God, gender roles, and the church. It seems I'm not alone. Bloggers from all over have added their two cents worth into the conversation. One of the ones that I have found most interesting is by a lady named Rachel Held Evans. She asked her male readers to share their opinion. Read what they shared here.

Practicing truth and the love of a good man

2012-02-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 months and 27 days since I married my love and, while the two blonde princesses that call him "Daddy" have been in my life for years up to that point, something changed that day. In addition to becoming "wife," I became "step-mom" even though that term has rarely, if ever, been spoken in our home. After 3 months and 27 days, what could I possibly have to share about mothering, about step-mothering, in fact? So many more have gone before me, learned more, shared more, been more and yet here I am trying to put my thoughts and musings into something in black and white.

Here's what I know. Step-mothering is an art.

Most days, I don't feel like an artist.

Most days I feel anything but. Every bit of selfishness, fear, insecurity, and impatience is brought into the open, laid, I fear, for all the world to see. I am ever conscious of the fact that I am not *yet* (I hope) the woman described in Proverbs 31, that godly wife who moves with grace, compassion and a shrewd ability to care for her family.

I knew that this journey would be hard and would take a ton of adjustment. I knew there would be growing pains and heartache. I just didn't know how much. I hadn't expected the loneliness and the lack of control. I didn't know how much I would be surrendering my schedule, my home, my bank account, my time with my husband, my hopes and dreams and my heart to this role.

Never before have I been aware of such anger, spite and resentment in my heart. I long to protect these girls, my family, from the one who should be protecting them in all things and from all things...and yet that is not my place.

I have come to believe that the term "step-mom" is more apt than I once thought as so often it feels as though I am only taking a half step into motherhood. I share the responsibility for their well being, for their happiness, for their growth and for their hearts. I share the sacrifice. I share the early mornings and the chauffeuring and the school band productions and the dance competitions and the fights that erupt between sisters in a way that only sisters can accomplish. I share the desire to see them to flourish and to grow to be women after God's own heart. They have my heart. But I am not their mother. Some days, my most insecure days, I wonder if I am anything more than the woman their daddy married. The big decisions - the ones that matter - those are made between mother and father. It is in these moments that I feel like a participant from a distance, if a participant at all. The deep knowledge of the innerworkings of these girls is not mine - the memories, the stories, the likes and dislikes, the friendships, and the background behind it all. The deepest and most tender of moments - from heart ache to celebration - are not moments that I share and it's in those moments that I feel on the outside of something special, a bond more powerful than anything else. There will be no mother's day or parent teacher interviews or holidays without struggle and argument. And so I'm "step-mom, " stepping into their lives and hoping to share a part of me with part of them.

And so here I am, limping along, feeling a lot more like a toddler with a crayon scrawling on the walls than the artist I hope to one day be, beginning to put practices in place to save my sanity and my heart so that I can spend more days offering something of value to my family, creating home together, living together well. Two practices that I hope and pray will make the difference.

I practice loving my husband well.

A friend of mine shared a photo of a button recently. The bright orange button was a beacon sharing this "Parenting is a hard. It's a good thing my co-worker is cute." And it's true. He is. We have heard so many sermons and read the books that talk about God's vision for marriage being of two people coming together as one, about making your spouse the priority, and about constantly coming back to the heart of the other and you know what? It's true. It makes a difference. Funny how scriptural truths do that, huh!? And so we work to love each other well. We spend time together. We talk. We cry. I meet him with a kiss and take time to rub that spot on the back of his neck because I am learning that my touch assures his heart that I am with him. We watch hockey and share quiet over a glass of wine. Sometimes it's just nice to be quiet. I tell him that I'm proud of him because I mean it, from the depth of my heart I mean it. He calls in the middle of a busy day and I know it's because he knows that my language is time and that connection means the world to me. We share about work and home and family. And, because this adventure isn't always easy, we have to find ways to laugh. And laugh we do because, you know what My Love? You are fun and hilarious and one of the reasons I love you is because you laugh with me...and sometimes at me. We spend time doing things the other enjoys for the sake of the other. We date even when life is busy...sometimes especially when it's so. I try to remember to say "thank you" everyday for this man I know is a gift.

We do this because when we are good, they will be good and we will be good for them.

I practice truth.

My love and I truly believe, even when I am in this place, that His Word is truth and want our home to be filled with the sweet fragrance of the Spirit. It is undeniable that some days the smell is stronger and sweeter than others but hopefully, hopefully, the aroma remains, hints of it on the air, even on our worst days. And so we aim to live that truth. Not simply in actions for the world to see but deep in our hearts, spilling out into all of how we live.

And we believe that all truth is God's truth so, in my heart, I daily work to remind myself of truth. My list goes something like this:

*I am not perfect. I don't have to be perfect. I will mess up. Oh, is this hard for this perfectionist soul and yet so freeing and so life giving.
* We are all adjusting. Me. Him. Them. All of us. It will take time and that's okay.
* My job description is to love. The rest of the details can be figured out.
* This is not a situation that the girls' chose. Even believing with all that is in me that this is God's good redemptive work of a crappy situation doesn't make the crappy situation less, well, crappy (yes, I just used crappy three times. I know).
* No matter how much I stand in direct opposition with the values, choices and decisions of their "mommy", she is still their "mommy" and they deserve to be free to love her. Every girl needs their mommy. Part of me being in their lives is to help them have healthy relationships even in difficult situations.
* Just because she's their mommy doesn't make her right. I can disagree. Sometimes my disagreement needs to stay on the inside and sometimes it needs to be spoken...without making it "about" mommy but rather about truth and living well and having opinions that are different.
* They are children. They will react to situations like children. The picky eating, the sudden outbursts, the seemingly unending stories about "mommy," the challenges around bedtime and homework and chores and packing lunches, the complaining about well, whatever, are because they're kids and need guidance. They are not personal. They are not about me. There is no attack or ill will intended.
* I have the freedom - no, the privilege - of participating in teaching them and guiding them while they are in our home, addressing situations as they come up with grace and love and partnering with My Heart as we grow with them. Sometimes there are things that he will need to handle as their daddy. This is important and good.
* I only have control - or a semblance of such - of what happens in my home. I can not control what happens the other days of their week BUT I can influence them and help give them the tools to react well and discern wisely.
* There are good times, golden moments, that I have to hold onto. There are inside stories, moments of laughter and acceptance, and things unique to our home and our family that we can all cherish.
* My feelings and emotions are not wrong or bad or shameful. As much as I often do, I don't need to feel guilt for finding aspects of this new "hat" difficult.
* As much as it sometimes feels lonely, I am not alone. My Love and I are in this together and I trust him with all that I am. I can trust him enough to share the truth with him when I hurt. I can trust him enough to ask questions. I can trust him enough to include me in the moments of joy. I can trust him enough to protect all three of his girls. I can trust him to live truth too.

Conversation between My Love and I has often centered around truth. Speaking truth, in love, when it's hard. Knowing when to speak truth into lies. How God is truth and shines through the darkness. He reminds me often that Truth wins. Even when I feel like I'm tripping and stumbling, even when it seems like lies abound and the enemy is digging his claws in deep, even when I'm lonely and want to allow myself a good cry, I can know that truth wins. Perhaps only in bits and pieces now but victory, oh, sweet victory, will come and will come on the side of truth.

And so today, I know that step-mothering is an art. Instead of hating that I feel like toddler, today I'm going to try to remember, with all the grace that I can muster, that not even the world's most renowned artists painted their masterpieces on the first day.

Current Read

2012-01-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

I couldn't do it. I posted a while ago about a book I was going to read, a book that was good for me and different from what I had been reading. I knew it would be a challenge and that I might need a little help. As it turns out, I needed a lot of help and, well, ended up distracted, reading these instead. And yes, they are worth the hype! I'll get back to that other "good for me" one eventually.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Stieg Larsson

2012-01-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

It seems like no matter how early the day starts, no matter how frustrating the situations we find ourselves, no matter how much we chauffeur or cook or clean, no matter how many loads of laundry await or how much homework there is, it seems that the end of the day brings rest. Together we laugh, we catch up, we tell our stories, we cry, we hope, we connect. It's in those moments, at the end of the day, that I can say "I am my beloved's and he is mine" and it is good.

Top Ten Health Reasons to Drink Coffee

2012-01-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Here is an article on the top ten health reasons to drink coffee. Love it. Who cares about the heavenly taste?! Now it's healthy too? Well, we knew that before but here's another dose of proof supporting my case. Haven't had a cup all week thanks to work scheduling but just might go brew a pot (of decaf) right now!

2012-01-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

I sent this little note out to a few friends and family earlier today and, after some consideration, thought I'd toss it up here too.

Hey friends,

Over the past several years, I have been thankful for my position at
the pool. It's been a flexible way to supplement my position at
Journey. I have been thankful that it has been a bit of a safety net,
providing an income, over the last several months of transition. It is
becoming apparent, with the instability of the scheduling at the pool
and the effects of budget cuts across the city, that it is very likely
not a long term solution for our family. Unless something changes with
the city, for stability and sanity, it seems like it would be a good
time for me to start poking around for a new job.

That's why I'm dropping you this little note. The truth is, I have no
idea where to look. I'm not sure what i want to do or what's out
there. But two heads are better than one, right? If you hear of
anything that you think would be a good fit for me, feel free to let
me know and, in the meantime, your prayers would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Stacey

I really don't know what I'm looking for. Hopefully by putting a couple heads together, some idea somewhere will start a little brainstorm for me or present the right opportunity and I'll be off!!

2012-01-09T10:02:00.001-07:00

It's true...and a little frightening. I see it in the way that I approach the world - very different from the way it was 10 years ago - but, even more dramatic, is the way I see it in the way Colin's girls, my step-daughters, approach the world. They are plugged in kids who hang out with plugged in kids.

In some ways, the use of technology has made so much of what we do easier. Information is more accessible, world wide communication is easier (isn't skype a beautiful thing!?), entertainment is everywhere and we can do things online we never imagined.

From my perspective, though, there are things that are lost. The art of conversation, for example. Family time seems harder to find. Who remembers car rides where you had conversations, listened to music (together) and played silly car games to pass the time? Now there's dvd players, ipods, etc. Patience seems at an all time low. So much is at their fingertips...and ours...and it seems we expect so much more to be immediate. The internet is fast so why shouldn't everything else?

Expectations are different too. Before texting, there was email. Before email there were answering machines. Before answering machines, there were busy signals. We waited. Now, no matter where we are or who we're with, it seems, we jump and make the buzz of the phone a priority. If, heaven forbid, you are one of the few that will let their phone sit, the chance is good that the person on the other end make all sorts of assumptions. You are mad them. There's something wrong. As an employer, perhaps their frustration boils...even on the weekend. We are expected to be accessible all the time but at what cost. And what about the school system? When I was in school (and yes, I recognize that was a long time ago), we did not need ipods, laptops, and internet access everywhere to make our education happen. I recognize that times are changing and I recognize that some of these tools can make learning easier. I see the advantages but, again, at what cost socially, educationally and financially? Then there's the pressure and expectation to "have" these things. Ipods, ipads, phones for everyone in the house (what age is the right age for a cell phone, by the way?), multiple tvs, pvrs (which I admit, I'm addicted to) and computers.

As I'm trying to figure out what it means to live well and to help raise two girls to live well, there's a lot of questions in my mind where the use of technology is concerned. I know, too, that there are many different opinions to the whole discussion out there. How do we figure out how to utilize the strengths of technology without letting it control us?

2011-12-30T15:17:00.001-07:00

As I was puttering through the house, cleaning up the piles that seem to spontaneously multiply on their own (there's a biology term for this, I'm sure, although I suspect it refers to germs or micro organisms), I found a stack of cards from our wedding. Well wishes. Prayers. Poems. Hopes. Each one specially picked for us as people joined in our celebration. As I read each one, I was reminded that relationships truly do happen in community!

Here's a few to share...

Now you will feel no rain,

for each of you will be the shelter for each other.

Now you will feel no cold,

for each of you will be the warmth to the other.

Now you are two persons

but there is only one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling,

to enter into

the days of your life

and may your days be good and long

upon the earth.

~Apache Blessing~

How to Make a Beautiful Life Together: Reflections on Marriage for the Bride and Groom

Let love be your shelter.

The world is noisy and confusing at times,

so make a home that is a haven,

a peaceful place where you can listen to your hearts and savor

the comfortable closeness you share.

No matter how busy your days may be,

make time for yourselves.

Hold hands. Unwind.

Surprise each other.

Find little chances every day

to show you're grateful to be partners,

to be friends,

to be married.

Life is not perfect.

You will make mistakes but each time you meet life's challenges together,

you will grow wiser, stronger,

and surer of your love.

Cherish your yesterdays.

They are irreplaceable souvenirs

of your journey through life.

Make memories

that will bring smiles and sighs whenever you look back.

(Look back often!)

Look forward, too.

Dream together. Plan together.

Make promises to keep.

Believe in your tomorrows,

because tomorrows

are what forever is made of.

To make love last,

put each other first.

That is the way to make a beautiful life together,

the kind of life you both deserve so much.

"If" for Couples

If you

treat each other kindly

with compassion

and with trust

and always let

your tender feelings show,

If you

laugh together often

and enjoy

the time you share,

but give each other space

to learn and grow,

If you understand

your differences,

respecting who you are,

and put each other first in all you do...

Together,

may you always find the very best in life -

Growing closer

day by day

as husband and wife.

2011-12-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook page and I loved it...so I'm stealing it!

"Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!"
- T. Harv Eker

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2011-12-29T13:10:00.003-07:00

One of the funniest conversations I’ve had at the pool was with a little boy in one of my coworkers’ Saturday morning preschool classes. I was life guarding and he was teaching. The morning sessions are long and he had to take a quick bathroom break, leaving me to watch his class for a few minutes. Five little ones, 3 and 4 years old. One of the little boys looked up at me and, with no guile or jest, looked up at me and asked me if I knew what he wanted to be when he grew up. Expecting him to say that he wanted to be a fireman or a teacher or even an astronaut, I looked at him and said, “No, I don’t know. What do you want to be when you grow up?” His answer caught me off guard.

“An airplane.”

“An airplane? You mean you want to fly airplanes?”

“No. I want to be an airplane.”

I didn’t know what to say. What would you say to that!?

It might not be the most realistic or possible goal but he’s dreaming big. I wonder if, when he’s settled into a career, he’ll remember his dream – to be an airplane.

I think of all the ways that I answered that questions along the way. I wanted to be a musician for a while. And there was a LONG stage in which I wanted to be a teacher. I would line my dolls up and teach them for hours. We would have all sorts of classes. Later on in life, I thought a lot about working in agricultural aid, combining my love for science, the outdoors and God in practical missions. Never once did I dream about being involved in enrollment, marketing and admissions (my job at the college) or in children’s ministry (my position at Journey Church). Both roles, however, began with a certain excitement. They made sense with my skill set...and in the right context, likely still would. They engaged me deeper into community I was already involved in. They allowed me to build my skills, grow in my knowledge of myself, develop relationships and be challenged. Each however, developed in such a way that my self esteem and confidence were beaten, my belief in my own abilities was shattered and I was left exhausted. How something that started so good could develop into something so damaging not once but twice is hard to say. It’s possible that much of the fault lies in the fact that when I dive into something, I dive in with both feet and all of myself, feeling some innate drive to succeed and prove myself in all things. I am a perfectionist and it drives me – sometimes the biggest strengths can also be the greatest of faults. In discussing this with a friend of mine, she suggested that it’s because I care too much. Everything I pursue, I not only pursue as a task but also a matter of the heart.

Regardless, the end result is the place I find myself in now. I’m working as a life guard and swim instructor. The hourly pay is good but the hours are all over the map and inconsistent at best - the financial implications of that aren't good. The work is less than challenging (one of the patrons told me a while back that he thinks I’m too smart to be a life guard. Not the best commentary on my position). It’s not particularly encouraging or satisfying. The facility that I work at is not one that is healthy. The truth is, I'm bored. This certainly isn’t the job I dreamed of as a child but I try to regularly remind myself that this job has provided me with a sort of “safety net.” I am thankful that God had me in this place so when it was time to leave Journey, I could, knowing that I had an income.

That's the "job" place I find myself in now but the place for my deeper self is one of questioning, doubt and living with a need for change. I'm feeling restless and stuck all at the same time. Now the question “what do I want to be when I grow up?” is one that I ask myself on a regular basis.

I realize there’s two ways that I can go about next steps. The first would be to find a more consistent job that would be a job for “right now.” In a similar situation several years ago, a friend of mine took a job that allowed him to succeed, be built up and encouraged and heal. Now that his confidence has been restored, he has moved into a new job, one that has a world of potential for him and his family but he might not have looked at before. He needed that time to be restored. Colin and I have talked about me potentially needing that place to be restored. The second would be to figure out what’s next and go full speed ahead.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’ve been cataloging my strengths and interests (with Colin’s help…the truth is, right now he sees much more good in me than I do). The question remains, what do I do with those skills.

On more than one occasion, it has been suggested that I should pursue my photography. To this point, it has simply been a hobby…but maybe…There’s so much I would have to do, in my mind, to make that a reality but maybe…What would it take? Where would I start? Would I be any good? What would separate me from all the other people out there trying to make a go of it? What if?

The truth is that I’m afraid. Like someone coming out of a [few] bad relationships, I’m afraid to put myself out there and step into something new. The motivation to hunt for a new job is slim to none. Truthfully, I would rather curl up on the couch and do nothing and yet that only makes me feel worse. I want to contribute to my family and to society. I want to spend my working hours at something I enjoy and can feel some satisfaction in. I want to feel like I’m in a position that I have something to offer, perhaps something that someone else couldn’t.

I get it too, that my job is not the fullness of who I am. The whole "is not what you do but who you are that defines you." I get it. I also get that there's something about our job that is a part of who we are, for some of us more than others. I'm one of those people that actually enjoys work when it's a good fit.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’m thankful. As I process all of this, Colin is incredibly supportive and patient. He gets that I feel a little bit ‘stuck’ and is willing to give me a gentle nudge from time to time. And he processes and prays with me…what do I want to be when I grow up?

2011-12-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

So I think this is brilliant! I have one stocking hook and have been looking for three to match. Not only is finding a match difficult BUT they're not cheap. This is a perfect solution and I have the perfect place for it! Now to go bargain hunting post-Christmas for a second hook and we'll be all set in the Miller house!

Source: Uploaded by user via Dayna on Pinterest

2011-12-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

The Evolution of the Gingerbreadman

2011-12-22T19:41:00.001-07:00

Tee hee

2011-12-21T18:16:00.002-07:00

2011-12-21T15:30:00.002-07:00

2011-12-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I'm off work. Convenient day off since Christmas is only days away and there seems to be a lot to do. I'm making my lists and checking them twice this morning. Usually I'm done the "stuff" of Christmas and living in the season by this point but somehow, for some reason, this Christmas I just can't seem to get there.

So, in the middle of the lists and the piles and the tasks, I'm stopping to take a minute to remember and be thankful for the truth of Christmas. Join me?

Eggnog Cream Puffs

2011-12-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

After sharing an instragram photo of the egg nog cream puffs on the weekend, I've had several requests for the recipe...and the cream puffs. Since it's easier to share the recipe (cream puffs don't ship that well...sorry), here you go!

1 cup water
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 cup all purpose flour
4 eggs
eggnog cream (below)
powdered sugar

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Heat water and butter to rolling boil in 2 1/2 quart saucepan. Stir in flour. Stir vigorously over low heat about 1 minute or until mixture forms a ball; remove from heat. Beat in eggs, all at once; continue beating until smooth.

2. Drop dough by scant 1/4 cupfuls (I did about 1/8 cup) about 3 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until puffed and golden. Cool away from draft.

3. Cut tops of puffs; pull out any soft dough. Fill puffs with eggnog cream; replace tops. Sprinkle with powdered sugar. Serve immediately. Store covered in refrigerator.

Eggnog Cream

1 pkg (4 serving size) vanilla instant pudding and pie filling mix
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon rum extract
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
2 cups whipping (heavy) cream

Beat all ingredients except cream in large bowl with electric mixture on low speed 1 to 2 minutes or until smooth. Add cream. Beat on high speed 1 to 2 minutes or until soft peaks form.

Read with me?

2011-12-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

At one point in my life, I made a commitment to myself about my reading habits (only a perfection/control freak would do that, right?!) and, for years, was diligent about keeping to it. It was nothing major. I would simply alternate between fiction and non-fiction. Then things got crazy and I dove into stories. Stories of all kinds. Stories with depth. Stories that I could lose myself in. Somewhere along the way, the non-fiction, "learning, challenge my brain" type books were set aside. I just don't have it in me.

A couple days ago, I posted that I'm reading "Naked Spirituality." It's my first attempt at non-fiction in a while. I feel like it's going to be a challenge. A good challenge but a challenge none the less.

Here's where you all come in. I need a wee bit of accountability. Some motivation. Will you read with me? If you're up for the challenge, just drop a comment on this post and let me know. I'm going to try to post something - a thought, quote or post - inspired by each chapter to keep me in motion. I'd love to hear your thoughts too!

Will you read with me?

Article: On Modesty

2011-12-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Having worked with children, youth and young adults in church circles for years, this topic has been one that has made me sad for years: using the idea of modesty to steal - or at least overshadow - a women's god-given femininity. I've seen the damage it can do to a girl's self esteem to not handle this with grace and a true rendering of Scripture. Now, with two step-daughters, I feel like this has become even more personal (if it can be more personal than being a woman wanting to follow God's own heart myself!).

This article speaks intelligently on the subject...

How 'Modest Is Hottest' Is Hurting Christian Women

What the phrase communicates about female sexuality and bodies.

Sharon Hodde Miller

I remember the first time I heard the words chirped by an eager female college student as we discussed the topic of modesty. Her enthusiasm was mixed with perk and reprimand, producing a tone that landed somewhere between Emily Post and a cheerleader.
To be honest, my initial reaction to "modest is hottest" was amusement. I thought the rhyme was clever and lighthearted, a harmless way to promote the virtue described in 1 Timothy 2:9 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. No harm no foul.

Since then, I’ve heard this mantra of the pure proclaimed many times by young women, Christian artists (including, most famously, CCM singer Rebecca St. James), and Christian leaders. In conversations the phrase always elicits chuckles, but my response has changed over time. I still wholly affirm modesty as a biblical practice for men and women, but now I hesitate to embrace the “modest is hottest” banner. Those three words carry a lot of baggage.
The Christian rhetoric of modesty, rather than offering believers an alternative to the sexual objectification of women, often continues the objectification, just in a different form.
As the Christian stance typically goes, women are to cover their bodies as a mark of spiritual integrity. Too much skin is seen as a distraction that garners inappropriate attention, causes our brothers to stumble, and overshadows our character. Consequently, the female body is perceived as both a temptation and a distraction to the Christian community. The female body is beautiful, but in a dangerous way.
This particular approach to modesty is effective because it is rooted in shame, and shame is a powerful motivator. That’s the first red flag. Additionally concerning about this approach is that it perpetuates the objectification of women in a pietistic form. It treats women’s bodies not as glorious reflections of the image of God, but as sources of temptation that must be hidden. It is the other side of the same objectifying coin: one side exploits the female body, while the other side seems to be ashamed of it. Both sides reduce the female body to a sexual object.
Of course, this language isn’t new. Consider how profoundly the female identity has been negatively linked to her body throughout church history. For several decades now, feminist theologians have critiqued the mind-body dualism by which Christians have equated men with the mind and women with the carnal body. Citing Eve as the original “gateway for the Devil,” thinkers such as Tertullian have peppered Christian tradition with hostility toward the wiles of femininity. Origen likened women to animals in their sexual lust. According to author Jane Billinghurst, “Early Christian men who had to greet women during church services by shaking their hands were advised to first wrap their hands in robes so as to shield their flesh against their seductive touch.”

In response to this aspect of the Christian tradition, Rosemary Radford Ruether and other feminist theologians have over the past 50 years rightly challenged the mind-body dualism by which women were thought to be “modeled after the rejected part of the psyche,” and are “shallow, fickle-minded, irrational, carnal-minded, lacking all the true properties of knowing and willing and doing.”
All this negative talk about the female body may have created a vacuum for the “modest is hottest” approach to fill. Perhaps the phrase’s originator hoped to provide a more positive spin on modesty. I sympathize with that. However, “modest is hottest” also perpetuates (and complicates) this objectification of women by equating purity with sexual desire. The word “hot” is fraught with sexual undertones. It continues a tradition in which women are primarily objects of desire, but it does so in an acceptable Christian way.
Making modesty sexy is not the solution we need. Instead, the church needs to overhaul its theology of the female body. Women continue to be associated with their bodies in ways that men are not. And, as a result of this unique association, women’s identities are also uniquely tied to their bodies in a manner that men’s identities are not.
How do we discuss modesty in a manner that celebrates the female body without objectifying women, and still exhorts women to purity? The first solution is to dispense with body-shaming language. Shame is great at behavior modification, even when the shaming is not overt. But shame-based language is not the rhetoric of Jesus. It is the rhetoric of his Enemy.
Second, we must affirm the value of the female body. The value or meaning of a woman’s body is not the reason for modesty. Women’s bodies are not inherently distracting or tempting. On the contrary, women’s bodies glorify God. Dare I say that a woman’s breasts, hips, bottom, and lips all proclaim the glory of the Lord! Each womanly part honors Him. He created the female body, and it is good.
Finally, language about modesty should focus not on hiding the female body but on understanding the body’s created role. Immodesty is not the improper exposure of the body per se, but the improper orientation of the body. Men and women are urged to pursue a modesty by which our glory is minimized and God’s is maximized. The body, the spirit and the mind all have a created role that is inherently God-centered. When we make ourselves central instead of God, we display the height of immodesty.
That is not to say that godly women will not attract godly men with their modesty. They might. But that is not the purpose of modesty. If “modest is hottest” encapsulates the message we communicate to young women about modesty, then we have missed the mark. “Modest is hottest” is foundationally human-centered, whereas biblical modesty is first and foremost centered on God.

from http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/12/why_we_can_dump_modest_is_hott.html

Current Read

2011-12-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Naked Spirituality, Brian McLaren

This is a recommendation from a friend of mine after she read my last blog post. Check out some of the chapter titles.

Seems appropriate so here...we...go!

Posting this today has reminded me how long it's been since I've actually done a "current read" post. There's been quite a few over the last little while. In no particular order, I've read:

Romanov Prophecy, Steve Berry
Emperor's Tomb, Steve Berry
Red Tent, Anita Diamant
Dragon moon, Carole Wilkinson
Knights of the Black and White, Jack Whyte
Standard of Honor, Jack Whyte

2011-12-06T22:27:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had something in life that you do because you know you should, because you know it’s good for you? Something that you want to want to do so you do it anyway? You do it as pure discipline, hoping that you’ll gain an appreciation for it? Perhaps eating your vegetables falls into that category. You eat them hoping that you’ll eventually aquire a taste for them. Or perhaps it’s going to the gym. You go, not because you feel like it, but because you want to feel like it, each time you go building the habit until it is such a part of your life that you can’t imagine not going.

Right now, for me, that thing is going to church. I know it’s important. I know how much it has meant to me in the past. I know all the reasons that I would tell someone else that it’s important but right now I just don’t feel like it.

One - but not the only one- of the reasons that I quit my job as children’s pastor of our church was that, in all of my 'working in a church,' I missed church. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the kids that I worked with. I loved the learning I did through preparing lessons and other teaching. I loved being able to see God at work in the lives of those I was directly involved in. I really enjoyed what I was able to give BUT I missed feeling like I was a part of a church. For months, I would get to the building before anyone else got there, go straight to the kids’ area, set up, hang out with the kids while sharing the message with them for the day and then pack up. I missed most, if not all, of the reasons that I would encourage someone else to go to church and I began to feel empty and alone. When it became clear that there was no respite for that routine, no opportunity for me to be a part of the community I was working for, I knew that I couldn’t continue that pattern and maintain any kind of spiritual health.

So here’s the kicker: since then I haven’t wanted to go to church and for a while I didn’t. I didn’t feel like it. If I’m honest, I also didn’t – and still don’t - feel like doing many of the other things that I know I should and could to foster my relationship with Jesus. It was too much. Too much hurt, too much emptiness, too much exhaustion, too much confusion, too much brokenness, too much failure, too much defeat, too much [felt] need for space and far too many other emotions that I couldn’t even begin to describe or define. It was all too much.

But where do you go when it all feels too much? Well, if you love Jesus (and sometimes if you don’t!) you go to church and so Colin and I began cautiously attending. For me it was something I wanted to want to do. I was hesitant, afraid and non-committal. Do you remember the old TV show “Cheers,” with the theme song that rang out “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name?” Well, I wanted the complete opposite. I wanted to go and absorb, be encouraged, hear the Word of God preached and, for the first time in a long time just go somewhere to be fed instead of pour out to others.

At first it worked that way. Colin and I have found a place where we feel we could be at home. There’s enough going on that when we’re ready, we feel we could get involved. We feel confident with what we have seen to be the mission and values of the church as they seem to be lived out and supported by the things the people are involved in. We appreciate the senior pastor and the depth to which he preaches the Word – its exciting to see how much he uses the Word in his messages and the amount of study he obviously does to truly teach. He shares the pulpit with his staff and they too seem to share his desire to truly teach and encourage through God’s word.

Lately, though, I’ve been in a dark, ugly funk and it seems like going to church shines a big beacon on my feelings of lament. I’ve described it as feeling like my faith is small but that’s not the truth of it. I don’t doubt that God is real, alive and active but I feel empty and far away and…something. The last several weeks have been very much about going because I want to want to. The last two weeks, however, have been nearly unbearable but have helped me find some words for what’s going on inside my heart and, perhaps, that’s the discipline of it doing it’s work, providing what I needed.

It began two weeks ago with the Chris Tomlin song “Your Grace is Enough,” a song that has been the anthem of many points of my faith over the last couple of years. The chorus shouts out:

Your grace is enough,

Your grace is enough for me.

I started to sing it out with a gusto I wasn’t feeling but slowly petered out. The inward thoughts didn’t seem to be connecting with the words of my mouth. At first, the prayer was, “Your grace is enough” then became “I want your grace to be enough” and finally, “where is your grace?”

“Where is your grace and what does it look like?”

Each prayer became a little more indignant and little bit angrier than the one before.

What does it look like in my career? What does it look like when the past and the present collide? What does it look like in the day to day? What does it look like in my health? What does it look like in finances and friendships and faith?

Where is your grace?

The next song was like the first in the emotions it dug up. “Beautiful Things” by Gungor. We played it at our wedding, recognizing that God takes messy, ugly things – he steps into the mess – and makes beautiful things. Again, the prayer became a lament: “I know you can do beautiful things so can you? Would you? Please?”

The tears rolled, the emotions crashed and the questions raged but still there were no answers. The week went by with the same funk and more reasons to question.

This past weekend found us in the second week of advent, anticipating the presence of the coming King. The celebration, the smiles of everyone around, the joy, the songs all combined together until I felt claustrophobic, to the point of being physically ill. The people around me were singing “O come, O Come Emmanuel,” hands raised in praise and thankfulness, and all I could think is “where are you?” The message was about the angel coming to Mary with the incredible pronouncement – you will be the mother of the Song of God – and her willing, grateful, humble acceptance. We talked about responding and about experiencing the presence of Jesus. All I could think is “where are you?” getting angrier and more frustrated and feeling more guilt about my anger.

But in that, I realized something. I’m angry. I’m angry at people and at situations. I’m angry at feeling like I don’t have control over so much. I’m angry that at a time in my life when I should be feeling joy and excitement, I’m feeling such a funk and frustrated that I can’t be better for my new husband (who, by the way, has been incredible through all of my searching and sorting…he’s my good gift and helps me believe, in it all, that God is good). I’m angry at work. I’m angry at all these happy people (or at least seemingly happy people) standing around me, unaware of the emotions in me and angry that I feel like I’ve lost the happy person. I’m angry that I can’t seem to find joy. I'm angry at all of the reasons I don't feel like I'm enough. I’m angry that in it all, I don’t feel God like I have at so many times. While I know it’s irrational and not in the character of God, I feel like he’s stepped away from me…like he could make some of these things better or at least make the way forward clearer and yet hasn’t.

I’ve chosen this week – perhaps since I’ve finally been able to give words to at least a piece of how I feel – to actually enter into the lament and not be afraid of it. Somehow, even in that place, I choose to believe that God has met me, placing the stories of David on my heart. King David. A man after God’s own heart and writer of some of the most prolific poetry in history was a man who lamented. He, too, was angry with God and prayed some of the same prayers I have in the last couple weeks. “Where are you?” and “Why have you abandoned me?” are prayers that slipped off the lips of this shepherd turned king. It helps to know that the Bible has room for lament and that those “heroes” of the faith allowed the stuff of life to bring them to some dark places. It helps, too, to know that God heard them and met them there, bringing them out the other side in real, tangible ways. Somehow it helps.

I’ve thought about writing bits and pieces of this down for a while, hoping that putting it down in black and white would help me sort out what was going on and give me some freedom from it. I’ve thought about how I would describe how I feel – words like defeated and depleted have come to mind. A more apt description, I think, would be deflated. I feel deflated, like a balloon that was once blown up and full and has taken shape but has had the air let out. Know what that looks like? It doesn’t look like the balloon that was originally taken out of the package, solid and strong and full of promise. It’s soggy and gross, flat and wrinkled and, truthfully, a little sad. As I think about David and his story (and so many others who have hit this kind of spot for any number of reasons), I feel like I can add to the analogy. That original balloon, the one with all the promise and excitement, blows up into something fun. That soggy, deflated balloon? Fill it up and it will look as good as before. It will resume the shape it had before.

So today I still feel the funk and I still feel the tears threatening but at least today I know I’m not alone. I might not feel hopeful but I can choose to be hopeful. I want to want to. There’s discipline in this too, in remembering the stories of David and choosing to believe that perhaps God is not as far away as it feels, that perhaps this deflated balloon can be blown up again.

2011-11-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

These look so delicious they make even my sweet tooth ache. I have to try them!

This and that, here and there...Part 1

2011-11-08T23:43:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. The list of things that's kept me busy, kept me living, and kept me loving is long. That's it. A list! Where to begin with a list? In no particular order...

1. A wedding. My wedding. Better yet, our wedding. On October 15, 2011, I married my best friend. In hindsight, I wouldn't recommend that everyone plan a wedding in three months or less - because it's a TON of work - but I'm so thankful we did it that way for so many reasons. It felt a little bit like I was working two jobs still and Colin and I joked (albeit a little bit tounge in cheek) about how nice it will be now that I'm REALLY only working one job...we may actually see the benefit of some of the changes made earlier this year. It really was a beautiful day. The weather held and we were able to do our pictures outside with the full palate of fall colors on display all around us. Friends and family from all over came to celebrate with us. Beautiful words were shared on our behalf by some pretty special friends and family and the good work that God has been doing and the amazing nature of His redemptive work was celebrated. Food was good. Laughter was good. Life together was good...and still is. That's the best part. Life together.

I've been asked a lot in the weeks following how married life is. I don't really know how to respond to that. It seems a little too early to tell, really. I feel like I'm still in this surreal phase where every day I do the "wow, I'm someone's wife. I'm your wife" and "really? You're my husband" (in a good way, really). I feel like in so many ways our wedding was a beautiful and natural next step in our relationship. Those statements aren't meant to be contradictory. Quite the opposite actually. In some ways, I think it's because it is so natural and good that it seems so surreal. That said, there are some things that I have noticed and appreciated in the few short weeks.

I love that we live together. So simple and yet not. I love knowing that even on a crazy busy day, we will start and finish together. I know I will see him and get to share at least a little piece of the day. It's one of those joys that makes me thankful that we waited to move in together because it such a gift now.

I love the commitment and the knowing. I love knowing that he chose me forever, that he promised and that he meant it...and I chose him. It takes it to a new level. Sharing in the time honored traditions of the wedding ceremony made who we are as a couple part of something bigger. Hoping together that God is the God of redemption, of love and of every good and perfect gift in such a big way honors who He is and who He is making us. We were honest about our commitment before but somehow standing before our friends and family and declaring it aloud makes it all the more real. To know that those same people will walk with us and hold us accountable to the promises we made is vital.

Writer and theologian Stanley Hauwerwas put it this way: “That the church is a more determinative community than a marriage is evidenced by the fact that it requires Christian marriage vows to be made with the church as witness. This is a reminder that we as a church rightfully will hold you to promises you made when you did not and could not fully comprehend what you were promising. How could anyone know what it means to promise life-long monogamous fidelity? From the church’s perspective the question is not whether you know what you are promising; rather, the question is whether you are the kind of person who can be held to a promise you made when you did not know what you were promising. We believe, of course, that baptism creates the condition that makes possible the presumption that we might just be such a people.”

I love hoping together. The statistics on marriage longevity in North America are not exactly inspiring. Combine that with the amount of heart break and brokenness we have witnessed personally and I would be a liar to say that there was not a little bit of "how do we know it will be different for us" fear that niggles it's way in from time to time AND YET we hope. We believe. We enter into this sacred vow praying that we will be forever, that God will give us the strength to constantly draw together instead of apart, and that we will be the kind of people who will keep the promises we made no matter what life brings.

I love that we are still us. We work. We play. We do things together and apart. Colin still plays hockey and I still knit. That's our Tuesday night. We have friends to hang out with and chores to do. Together and individually we are us.

I love that we are still learning...and there's lots of learning to do. Is it silly that I love that I don't know everything about my husband? I love learning about foods he enjoys and TV shows he doesn't. I love watching him respond to new situations and seeing what that looks like. Living together opens whole new doors of learning and it's fun.

I love figuring out our roles and how we share life together. For those that know me well, or perhaps even those that don't, I am stubbornly independent and fairly used to doing it "all" myself. If I don't know how to do something, I'll figure it out. If there aren't enough hours in the day, I'll just make them up and keep going until I get everything done. Work two jobs? No problem (okay, problem but who's going to admit it!?). In many ways, Colin has had to be much the same. It is a huge gift (and, admittedly, a challenge...perhaps you could even say a shock to the system but I'll choose to say adjustment) to be able to share. We can divide and conquer. Certain things get done and it's NOT because I did them. We can serve each other in these big and small ways. While I know we have a lot of learning to go on this one and I recognize that it will likely change with the seasons of our lives, I am thankful to be able to count on Colin, to trust him and to rest in his strength.

So, for all those who are wondering how married life is, in short, it's good. After 3 1/2 weeks, it's great.

2. Honeymooning.

We were entirely blessed to be able to take two whole uninterrupted weeks away together in Cancun immediately after our wedding.

I am thankful for two weeks. We had time to deal with crappy weather - read hurricane heading our way but downgraded to tropical storm hours before it hit, exhaustion and getting sick and still have a fantastic time.

I am thankful for uninterrupted. We have not had that opportunity before in our relationship. It was awesome.

I am thankful for Cancun. SO beautiful. SO much to see and do. We could go back and still find stuff we didn't have time to do.

I am thankful for immediately after. I know people who have waited months [or years] following their wedding to take their honeymoon. It was a gift to do it right away. We needed it!

I am thankful for my honey.

Look at how blue the water is! Love the beaches. Love the kisses on the beaches.

The most unreal skies. The clouds were incredible, likely thanks to the "tropical storm."

Sunrise!

And that's why I married him!

The ruins of Tulum.

Swimming with the fishes.

Biggest, coolest shells became art...home for our rings.

Weeeeee....

Incredible caves, incredible memories.

Chichen Itza, one of the new seven wonders of the world. Well worth the drive.

The sunsets were outstanding!

And there's more, plenty more, to put on the list of what's been keeping me busy. We'll call this part one. Maybe tomorrow I'll share some more but, for now, it's time for me to go to bed!

2011-11-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

I think this recipe sounds DELISH! Now to find an excuse to try it!

Okay, so this one doesn't sound so bad either. And I could probably be convinced to give this one a try.

Now I'm hungry. Bed time snack it is.

2011-11-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

There will come a day in the not so distant future in which I will write about church and about longing for church and about how not being a part of any particular church has [again] grown my thoughts and beliefs about church. In the meantime, this post about women's ministry resonated deeply with me. I love the line about wanting a bible study that doesn't have flowers on the front cover. Oh, and the one about being honest and authentic. Oh, and the line about wanting to move past the emotional, past the surface and into the deep. Wouldn't it be lovely?

I love this post from Emerging Mommy, a letter to women's ministry. It sounds familiar, echoing some of the sentiments in my heart when I wrote this post I wrote a while back although admittedly a little more eloquently spoken and well thought out.

2011-11-03T21:43:00.000-06:00

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May today there be peace within.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and

allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of you.

~ St. Teresa of Avila

2011-09-20T22:45:00.000-06:00

I miss writing. I have so many crazy thoughts running through my head that I need to sort out and spit out and yet there just doesn't seem to be any time. What with planning a wedding, working, trying to work out and stuff around the house (basement building and the day to day) there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day...but I will be back...soon...I need to be...soon.

Laughter is the best medicine

2011-09-08T09:07:00.000-06:00

I've written a few times now of the changes that are shaping my life right now. Add that to the normal stressers of life and, admittedly, life feels somewhat over full. Not the "I've eaten well and am breathing a satisfied sigh of contentment" (although there are definite moments of that) but the "I'm handling all that I can, my hands are full, please don't ask me to juggle any more kind of full." I've been making a conscious effort to find fun, to stop, to laugh because in those things, in the good things, there is renewal and strength to handle the fullness of life. It made me smile to read this in my morning's reading today:

From Sacred Voices: Essential Women's Wisdom Through the Ages

"A Time to Laugh"
1. Laugh when people tell a joke. Otherwise you might make them feel bad.
2. Laugh when you look into a mirror. Otherwise you might feel bad.
3. Laugh when you make a mistake. If you don't, you're liable to forget how ultimately unimportant the whole thing really is, whatever it is.
4. Laugh with small children… They laugh at mashed bananas on their faces, mud in their hair, a dog nuzzling their ears, the sight of their bottoms as bare as silk. It renews your perspective. Clearly nothing is as bad as it could be.
5. Laugh at situations that are out of your control. When the best man comes to the altar without the wedding ring, laugh. When the dog jumps through the window screen at the dinner guests on your doorstep, sit down and laugh a while.
6. When you find yourself in public in mismatched shoes, laugh -- as loudly as you can. Why collapse in mortal agony? There's nothing you can do to change things right now. Besides, it is funny. Ask me; I've done it.
7. Laugh at anything pompous. At anything that needs to puff its way through life in robes and titles… Will Rogers laughed at all the public institutions of life. For instance, "You can't say civilization isn't advancing," he wrote. "In every war they kill you in a new way."
8. Finally, laugh when all your carefully laid plans get changed; when the plane is late and the restaurant is closed and the last day's screening of the movie of the year was yesterday. You're free now to do something else, to be spontaneous… to take a piece of life and treat it with outrageous abandon.

-- Sister Joan Chittister, originally published in her book, There is a Season

Now to put them into practice.

New Beginnings...

2011-08-30T23:22:00.000-06:00

Welcome baby Zoe Noelle Baker. Glad you're here safe and sound, wee one. We look forward to getting to know you and to watching you grow into a beautiful woman of God's grace!

Congrats to my cousin, Crystal, and her husband, Scott. As was shared at the wedding, may this day be the day you look back on and say it was the day you loved each other the least.

This one is added simply because it was too hard to resist! The bride and groom are blessed with this little monkey, their son, Brayden. What a ham!

2011-08-30T23:11:00.002-06:00

In all my looking forward and in all my worrying, it's remembering this that gives me a sigh of relief and a moment's peace:

We can, each of us, only call the present time our own…
Our Lord tells us to pray for today, and so he prevents us
from tormenting ourselves about tomorrow.
It is as if [God] were to say to say: “[It is I] who gives you this day [and]
will also give you what you need for this day.
[It is I] who makes the sun to rise.
[It is I] who scatters the darkness of night and
reveals to you the rays of the sun.

~ Gregory of Nyssa, on the Lord’s Prayer

He said, She said

2011-08-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

A while back I posted about some of the change in my life. The truth is, that change abounds. Change in my job, in church, in community, in my home and in my heart.

In my last post, I shared about the change in my job, leaving my position at the church. I knew that would bring about other changes but I don't know if, at the time, I realized the full extent of what that would mean. For many reasons, it means that it is time to find a new church community to call home...enter "church shopping" season, otherwise known as "church hopping" or, even better yet, "enjoying the summer." On the positive side of things, I realize I have been completely spoiled over the years with preachers/teachers who speak the word of God with passion and truth in a way that digs deep into my heart and leads me into deeper relationship with the creator of the universe. I have been privileged to worship in song with worship leaders who understand that their leadership is not about the show or about the performance but about leading people towards the Father and allowing the community to join together in a chorus of unburdened, unhindered voices. There have been times where the people I worshiped with have felt like family and I've had a glimpse into what it must have been like for the church of Acts as they lived together in unity. These things are good to remember and I hold them dear.

The tough side of things is moving forward into a new church home. The consumer in me has certain things that I'm looking for. The part of me that sees the good of what has been wants to find that again. The "human" in me needs the accountability of being known and of being missed. It's far too easy to take a day off, to stay in bed, to go to the beach, to cut the grass, to enjoy coffee and a good book, to have brunch, to ride bikes and to simply just be. The side of me that is hurting - and perhaps a bit cynical - wants to stay away and not risk it at all. But I love the church. I believe in the power of being a part of a community of faith. If I'm being honest, I long for it and know that I need it. I know, deep in my spirit, that I am a healthier person when I give and receive in a community of faith and, right now, I know that I need that in a significant way. I would love to say that I'm hungry but I feel as though it's gone past that point...I want to be hungry. I know I should be hungry and yet it feels like so long since I've heard the whisper of His voice or felt the sweet touch of His spirit. I feel long past hungry. I have no real comparison to starvation and yet I wonder if this is what it's like, to eventually get to a point where the pangs of hunger no longer really dig in, knowing you need food but not really feeling the desire for it. And so there is a change in me and in my heart, a change in community to come as I look forward to finding a home.

Change in community has meant change in relationship. The freedom from the mantle of "pastor" has, in some ways, brought freedom to some relationships and I've found that they have become truer and deeper. Not that I felt dishonest before but I've found a freedom to be even more me. Scary, I know! Other relationships have felt the strain of distance and natural separation. When a weekly meeting is not scheduled, relationships change.

Through it all, one relationship has been a gift. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you've followed me through a journey of being a single woman in the midst of a married world, figuring out what it means to follow Jesus as a single woman in the church (and the world) and struggling with wanting to share my life with someone, to have someone to partner with. God, it seems, heard me in that too and has proven faithful in this area as well.

I've heard it said often (and most of the time to my frustration) that it is when you least expect it, when you quit looking, when you're "satisfied being single" (whatever that really means), that it is then that you find that special someone. As much as I've always hated those sentiments, they have proven true for me.

I have found my special someone.

Colin and I have been going to the same church together for years, since Journey began. From a distance, we have been in community together and observed the struggles and joys of each other's lives. In more recent years, Colin has served as one of my children's ministry volunteers, again, giving us the opportunity to see each other in action. This was no chase. It was without expectation. It was community. It was serving. It was being. And it was good.

But it got better.

There came a point when interest was sparked and we were intrigued. Time was spent in closer community as we both, without the knowledge of the other, wondered if this could be for real. It felt complicated and messy and surprising and right and, eventually, came to the point where one of us had to say something or explode. He caved first and I'm thankful that he had the courage to take a risk and share with me what was on his heart. I'm even more thankful that he has continued ever since.

He makes me laugh without reservation and holds me when I cry. He is the dad to two beautiful girls and I love what his being a dad shows me about him and his character. I love the way he loves his girls. He loves Jesus and wants to follow him, even when it's hard and when the way to do that doesn't seem clear. He stands up for what is right and has values that actually mean something to him. Chivalry is not dead with him and I am thankful that his dad taught him to open doors, to lift heavy things and to treat women with respect (not kid gloves but real respect). He loves to mountain bike. The kind of downhill biking that requires armor and airtime. I love that it turns him into a little kid and that he pursues what he loves with passion and exuberance. I love too, that he works hard and plays hard. I have much to learn from him. He encourages me, supports me and believes in me and is willing to be open and vulnerable enough with me to allow me to do the same for him. He has lived through much, much that I wish I could take away, and I see how it has shaped the way he looks at the world and I am proud of him. We watch the same type of movies and TV shows, taking time to curl up and enjoy them together. He's a child of the 80's, loves "hair nation" on satellite and doesn't mind that I tease him about it. He knows the value of a good cup of coffee and knows the truth - Starbucks IS better than Tim Horton's (there really is no question, is there?!). He is a true friend and as loyal as the day is long. His circle of friends isn't huge but the ones that are there are dear, loved deep and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would do anything for them and they for him. He is active and thinks about the ways to be a good steward of the body God has given him - and it shows (that's right, I think he's hot) - and helps me to do the same when I don't feel motivated. We can motivate each other in this and in so many other things. He listens to me rant and rants back. He's okay to just "be" and I love that I am okay to just "be" with him. With him it feels like home. He knows I'm feisty and doesn't see that as a weakness. He dreams about the future with me and together we share hopes, dreams and crazy schemes.

I feel as though God has shown me again the truth of His word. In James 1:17, it says that "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

He chooses me and I choose him and in that I know I have a gift.

On July 17, he said that he would choose me forever and asked me to do the same. On a bridge in the mountains on a mountain biking trail, this girl made a choice. She said yes.

And so life continues to change for me. On October 15, 2011, we will say our "I do's" and begin a new chapter in our life together. There will be a new last name, new family dynamics to explore, new living arrangements (we're doing major construction in the basement of my place so we can all live here. All trades people are welcome!), and new roles to figure out.

And so, you see, there is much new, much change in my life. A dear friend of mine noted that there is really nothing left to change in my life. Some days that's intimidating - counselor friends are likely watching me for signs of anxiety and, on certain days, would most definitely find them. I am overwhelmed by the mixed emotions of it all a lot of the time. I am processing much as each stage of change teaches me more about myself and the world around me, requiring much. Admittedly, it seems easier when I compartmentalize and focus on one aspect at a time and yet, with so much at once, it seems impossible to separate one piece from another.

This is me, it is us, and, when all is said and done, it is good. I am required to trust in ways that I have not had to trust in a long time, if ever. I am forced to admit that I am not in control. Ug. I am constantly aware of new levels of vulnerability in me and it is both frightening and freeing all at once. I try to remind myself, on the days where it feels like there is SO much to do, that God's timing is perfect and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle by His strength. Most of all, I anticipate. I look forward to what is to come and to experiencing the fullness of what God has in store for us as we follow Him.

2011-07-26T09:11:00.002-06:00

I'm a thinker. Some might say I'm an over thinker but they'd be wrong. Of course. I evaluate. I weigh out the options, the pros and cons, and make decisions based on the information. I wish I could say that I was always spontaneous but the truth is that that's not the way I was made. Sometimes but not always. It's true, too, that sometimes, even after doing the heavy lifting of decision making in advance, I still have a bit of "buyer's remorse," even if I'm not buying anything. "Did I do the right thing?" "But what about...?" "What if...?" Sometimes but not always.

And then life changes. For some reason, when I make changes in my life (or maybe one could say when change enters my life!), I make them in bundles. A couple of years ago, I managed to change jobs - a change that sent a major tremor through my life, change churches, moved and found a new roommate. It was almost as if one change became the earthquake, followed by a number of little after shocks. I'm still not sure which one was the actual catalyst, the original quake. The decisions were difficult but not impossible and, in the end, the spot that I arrived in was far better than the place I began in. It seems as though there are seasons of change.

I've been thinking a bit about the biblical nature of that lately. Moving away from something does not make it any less. Solomon talks about there being a time for everything:

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plan and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gathr them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, a time for change.

It seems as though I'm entering into one of those seasons again and this time there's no buyer's remorse. I've thought it through and it sits well in my heart. While the process was not peaceful, I am at peace.

Several years ago - close to six years, I think - I became the part of a church plant. The vision and passion of the planting team, and therefore of the church, resonated deeply with what I felt God speaking into my heart about church and ministry and being kingdom people and so I made that my home. Fast forward a bit. The children's minister was having a baby. It was exciting and we celebrated together. Someone needed to cover her mat leave. After much wrestling, I applied for the job and was hired. It was good. I knew the remaining staff and felt like I fit in well. We worked as a team. We prayed together and thought about the things of His Kingdom together, looking for ways we could be a part of His kingdom work.

There was something about it that was healing. For someone who had almost decided to not enter into ministry again (ever) to be back in an environment where contributions were accepted and expected, team work was the norm and ministry was fun was a gift.

And then things changed. A crisis, a scandal, hit with the magnitude of something known only by the likes of Jerry Springer and the people he hangs out with. I'm not exaggerating. Our little staff team was descimated, hearts were broken and the suggestion was made by those on the outside that we should shut the doors. We didn't. Perhaps we should of but it seemed so unimaginable.

But we survivied. Some would even say that in the time following, we thrived. We worked together. We trusted God and sought his leading. We leaned on each other when we cried and when we laughed, oh did we laugh.

And yet, to me, it seems like somehow that changed. too. Perhaps it was as the intense pain of crisis eased, we didn't need to lean on God or each other in the same way. Perhaps the sin of what had been had infected too deeply. Perhaps we're just all selfish and wrong. Perhaps it's just change...but change it indeed is.

Over the last several years, people have left, community has changed, money has been an issue, vision has changed, ministry philosophy has morphed and my place, my role, has been dismembered. The people are still wonderful. They are family. They are love. But the organization of it, the structure surrounding them, has changed.

And so I began to evaluate. Is this the place for me? Can I be free to be me in this role, this leadership context? Am I being a good steward of the gifts that God has given me if I continue? Can I be an agent of positive change in this environment? Do I belong? Am I helping? Is this healthy for me?

Hard questions. Painful questions brought on by a painful situation and made more difficult by my deep level of investment and relationship.

Change often comes from those difficult questions. I have just recently resigned from my position on staff at Journey Church. I can't begin to describe how difficult the final decision became or the process that brought me there. All I can say is that I'm at peace...now. I feel a freedom and a hope that I have not felt for a long time.

There, I said it. I left the church and I feel hopeful.

I know the cynics out there would say that it's about time, that it's another example of "the church" failing but I don't see it that way. I see it as a time of seasons, as a time for everything. There was a time when being a part of Journey and serving His kingdom in this way with this group of people was very good. This time, this season of my life, is for something else and I'm finally starting to look forward to it. Even that's taken time but I believe God is a god who knows that and uses that time for good things if we choose to let him.

I still love the people there and pray that God will continue to grow them into people after His own heart, using them to fulfill His purposes and plan here on earth. I pray that they will love God and others deeply and with abandon, that the light of Jesus will radiate from them. I am thankful for moments along the way to catch up with them in different occasions and pray that the relationships forged through the many experiences we've all shared can continue.

But I feel hopeful.

Truthfully, I also feel a little bit of anticipation. Have you ever known a storm was coming? A glorious, powerful, majestic thunderstorm? You could somehow feel it on the air and somehow, you just knew that it was coming? That's a little bit how I feel. I'm curious to find what else is in store. Stay tuned.

Current Read

2011-07-01T13:55:00.000-06:00

The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown

2011-06-14T21:48:00.000-06:00

I was just talking to a friend over the weekend about how much I want to experiment with different types of homemade popsicles this summer - so many good flavors made of so many good things! Today, I found these molds. How fun are they!? Now to actually find them in store to purchase!

Then, while I'm at it, does anyone out there have any family favorite recipes for delicious Popsicles or the like that they'd be willing to share!?

2011-06-13T17:59:00.002-06:00

My kind of girl...love this post...minus all the Bruin talk.

Coffee, coffee, coffee...

2011-06-10T23:19:00.000-06:00

For all my barista friends out there (and anyone else who's ever worked customer service). How many times have you wanted to say or do something like this!?

Weekend Wanderings

2011-06-10T21:03:00.001-06:00

This is shaping up to be a full weekend. Colin and I started it off early with a trip to one of my favorite Calgary events, the Calgary Herald Book Sale. It runs this weekend and next and always proves to be full of fun (and cheap) finds. Yes, this is one of the reasons that we know I'm a bit of a nerd.

Here's a few of my treasures. I made a list this year and tried to stick to it although couldn't resist diverging from it a bit when I found the first of the James Owen Geographica series (If you've been bothering to pay attention to what I've been reading at all, you've seen a few of them jump in there. This is the only one I didn't have and it's in perfect condition! Yay!).

If you'll indulge me for a sappy moment, I'm going to share with you my biggest treasure of the day...finding Colin proved to be a GREAT book hunting partner. I'll be honest, it helped that he had some definite titles in mind and we walked away satisfied and successful where that was concerned too. Oh, and he's cute too. Check out the fun:

Did I mention that the enjoyment factor was heightened by the fact that we pretty much read from the same genres: fantasty and crime/thriller?

There may be another trip in the plans for us. We'll see. If you want to check it out, it's at the Crossroads Farmer's Market in Ogden and runs all this weekend and all next weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm not sure the hours but I think it opens at 10.

Tomorrow, my friend, Jesse, is getting married and I'm going to be a part of her wedding party. She's super excited - as she should be - and I'm thankful that God has blessed her with a man to match her so well. I had the privilege of taking their engagement photos. Here's a sneak peak at the happy couple...

I'm sure, in and around all that, there will be coffees to sip, bike rides to roll along with, hockey games to watch (I know it's wrapped up in your world but in pvr land, it has yet to happen...shhh...don't ruin the surprise!), bbq's to sizzle, photos to take and fun to be had....all with three of my favorite people!

What are you up to this weekend?

Current Read

2011-06-10T20:47:00.000-06:00

The Gilded Chain, Dave Duncan

This is the first of a trilogy recommended by a friend of mine. Duncan is supposed to be one of the father's of fantasy fiction. So far so good.

2011-06-06T22:01:00.000-06:00

I really enjoy this blogger. Her name is Sarah and she's honest. She talks about life as a woman, wife, mother, questioner, church member and follower of Jesus in a way that resonates with me. She's hopeful and real, authentic and true to life. She doesn't sugar coat things and I like that. The post I read today is about parenting, particularly about the discipline (or practice) of choosing the words we use with our kids and with ourselves. It's something I've thought about a lot: the words I choose to use in conversation, about others and about myself. Words are important. They have the power to build up and destroy. When aligned with our actions, they can accomplish much. I think about the things that have been spoken into my life and what I want to speak into the lives of others. I think about the little people in my care and am even more aware of the influence and affect of the words I choose to direct their way and use in their presence. I am humbled to think about the potential and the responsibility I have in that and want to steward it well.

Final picks

2011-05-31T21:58:00.001-06:00

It's come down to this. One final best of seven series will decide once and for all who the best of the NHL is for the 2010-2011 season. Here it goes: Boston vs. Vancouver.

Admittedly, I have a little bit of a bias here. Colin is a BIG Vancouver fan and has been hoping his team would be here, well, for 40 years, but especially since the beginning of the season. They've always been my "second" favorite team so, with Edmonton not playing, it's been a natural for me to cheer the Nucks along the way. That said, let's talk get down to the nitty gritty of this series.

That's what it will be: gritty. Both of these teams like to play the body and they have the size to put their money where their mouth is (has anyone seen how huge Chara is!?). Considering that's the way that both teams play, it's surprising to see that their line ups are relatively healthy for this point in the season. Boston is dressing everyone, by the looks of things, and Vancouver, while short a few defensemen, isn't too far behind...far better than the carnage these wrecking ball teams have left in their wake as they trudged towards Lord Stanley's cup.

If history counts for anything, Boston won the only game the two teams played against each other this season. In fact, they've won the majority of the games these teams have played against each other in the last several seasons. We'll see if that matters.

Both teams are Cup-hungry. Boston has not seen the cup in years. Many, many long years. The Nucks have never won the cup.

Both teams have great goalies with nearly identical goals against and save percentages for the playoffs. Both have proved to be able to be game changers and have had opportunity to carry their teams. That said, Luongo is coming off of an outstanding game 5 performance, facing a whopping 56 shots in double OT, to defeat the sharks where Thomas seemed a little bit shaky as the Bruins battled to finish off Tampa.

Let's talk d-men. Chara is a beast and has earned his place in the finals. The rest of Boston's defensive core are no slouches either. That said, with guys like Bieksa working to earn their multi-dollar sign salaries with flare, it could be said that Vancouver's defense is by far the deepest in the league. They can expect production from every guy and have given at least nine players play-off ice time. Good thing considering the few injuries plaguing the Nucks are behind the blue line.

Now let's check out front. Stats from the forwards are nothing to frown at for either team but, again, I like the depth of Vancouver. Henrik, Daniel and Kesler compared to Horton and Lucic. Comparing fourth lines for the two teams is, in my mind, a little like comparing apples and oranges. It will be especially exciting to see what happens to the energy on the ice if, as anticipated, Manny Malhotra does, in fact, find his way to the ice for the playoffs.

The big difference between these two teams though is special teams. Like I've said about Boston before, they're just missing something when it comes to special teams - power play stats and penalty kill are lacking. That has the potential to be deadly playing against Vancouver, who's power play had it's way with Nashville and the Sharks. This will be especially important if Vancouver manages to keep their guys out of the box and off the ice, giving the Sedins a chance to play and utilize the team's strength as a 5 on 5 team.

So here goes nothing: Vancouver in 6 for the Cup.

Makes Me Chuckle

2011-05-27T22:26:00.001-06:00

I love these guys and they always make me laugh. I can relate...mostly...except I usually want less room than they give me. More coffee, please. Perhaps that's a good enough reason for a crusade!

Who am I?

2011-05-24T20:47:00.000-06:00

I read this blog today and it made me sad. Sad because I get it. Sad because the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence either.

See, I've got this line that often use in jest. I say "I'm really not a normal girl" or "I'm just not a girly girl" and I know what it means. I love hockey and could probably chat stats with the best of them...current ones, not the old ones. I argue that the CFL is better than the NFL and mean it. I am learning to love mountain biking. I enjoy sports, both playing and watching. My favorite movies include pirates, bank robbers, gladiators, or robots and, ideally, something being blown up. I like to get dirty, whether it's in my yard or exploring the greater outdoors. Sometimes, I even feel like I think like a guy in terms of work...because a woman who finds value in working is obviously a feminist, right? I'm a leader, not a follower. I have opinions. Strong ones. Lots of them. I enjoy building stuff and am okay to lift stuff. I've changed the brakes in my car before, know how to change the oil and could swap tires if I had a flat (but don't worry, I'd still take advantage of someone else offering to do it for me!).

I don't like pink or dramatic movies that make me cry. Rom coms are actually quite unnecessary, if you ask me. I don't go shopping for fun or know how to put together a great outfit. I don't feel like I have a "style" but, by virtue of picking out a certain style of clothes, I guess I probably do, albeit, maybe a bad one. Who would know? Certainly not me. I own maybe 6 pairs of shoes and I'm sure two of them are flip flops. Makeup and hair products confuse me and stress me out. Most days I don't wear make up. Accessories? What are those? Most crafting makes me shudder. Girls' nights freak me out a little bit. What on earth do I have to offer in those situations?! I prefer a good steak or juicy burger to salads and vegetables any day although I am very conscious of nutrition and want to live a healthy life. I use the public washroom but I go by myself. Really, it makes me uncomfortable to go with other people. I can do it myself, thank you. Decorating and shopping are done out of necessity, not just for fun. Rarely are they a social activity.

And here's the kicker. The one that's making me feel separated and far apart from what a "real" woman should be, at least lately in the church: I'm not a wife or mom nor can I have conversations about all things concerning being a wife and mother. I simply become a bystander in conversations about diapers and school choices, cribs or growth patterns, discipline strategies, potty training and life with husbands. It's especially fun when observing those conversations, I find people feeling sorry for me or trying to explain away the fact that I'm not someone's mom or someone's wife as if to make up for my "loss" or "lack." Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate that these are a significant part of the lives of many people around me. It's just not a part of mine and, when that's the primary conversations of what feels like all the females around me, I can't help but feel outside and, well, different.If that is what defines most of the women around me, what does that mean for me?

I'm convinced that while wife and mother are brilliant titles - ones I hope to share one day - I don't believe that they are synonymous with female. They are not the definition of feminine. Particularly from the biblical perspective in which we are told that men and women are both created in God's image, it seems to me that there's more to it than that, something more all-encompassing and (dare I say it without someone accusing me of being bitter) more complete. The woman in Proverbs 31, for example, seems to be different too and that makes me feel a little better but still, I find myself feeling outside and different, somehow lacking, when I'm with the women I know.

So here are some of my questions...

What does it mean to be feminine? Not the extreme feminist version or the conservative traditional picture but the true, biblical heart of womanhood.

What does it mean, as a woman, to be created in and bearers of God's image?

How, as a church, do we honor the full image of God as shown in the women in our midst?

How do we respect, revel in, thrive among and build community when we know that we are all bearing God's image differently?

Who am I?

I am a woman, made in God's image, who is trying to follow Jesus.

The Lord's Prayer

2011-05-18T15:38:00.000-06:00

The Lord's prayer has played a special part in my life for a while now. Reading this made it fresh again:

Our Father, who art in heaven

I begin with an endearing term of relationship, "Father." Remind me today that you live and reign, not in heaven only but all around me and in my life. Make me aware of your active presence all day, in all my undertakings and in the people I meet.

Hallowed be your name

How can I recognize you - in the splendor of nature, in the odd mix of people I meet, in the still voice that calls me to be more like you? May I "hallow" what lies before me, by consciously referring it to you, and also honor your perfection, your holiness, by seeking to become more like you.

Your kingdom come

Yes, and allow me to be an agent of that kingdom by bringing peace to the anxious, grace to the needy, and your love to all whom I touch. May people believe in your reign of goodness because of how I live today.

Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven

I see that will most clearly in Jesus, who healed the sick and comforted the grieving, who lifted up the downtrodden, who stood always for life and not death, for hope and not despair, for freedom and not bondage. He lived out heaven's will on earth. Help me be like Jesus.

Give us today our daily bread

We have no guarantee of a day beyond this one. May I trust you for what I need today, nourishment for both body and soul, and not worry about future needs and wants. May I also be ever responsive to those who lack bread today.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

Remind me of my true state, as a debtor who can never buy my way into your favor. Thank God, I do not have to. Grant me the same attitude of forgiving grace toward those who owe me, and who have wronged me, that you show toward me.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

Let me not slide mindlessly toward evil today. Make me alert to its temptations and strong to resist it, with neither fear nor regret.

from Prayer, Philip Yancey, page 171.

Round 3

2011-05-14T21:28:00.000-06:00

The last round is a lot of what I expected...except for the sweeps...and Tampa Bay...and...well, that's the Stanley Cup playoffs!

So here we are at the semi-finals. We're down to the four *best* teams in the NHL, four formidable goalies and four cities hungry to see their team hoist the most coveted trophy in hockey. So what does round three hold? Here's my picks:

Sharks (2) vs Canucks (1)
Here are two teams that have battled hard to get where they are. San Jose is tired. Did you see them sucking wind in game 7? Niemi has been great and has had the full support of his defense, guys putting up some of the best defensive stats in the playoffs. Guys like Thorton have held them all together. Having fought tooth and nail to hold on to round 2 and squeaking into round 3, they're bound to have had their spirits buoyed. Will it be enough to get them past the exhaustion of the battle they just fought to get here? Vancouver has had a bit more of a break and a big boost thanks to the play of resident monster, Ryan Kesler. While the hockey world continues to discuss what they're calling the absence of the Sedin brothers, it might be worth reminding that while they have not been the scoring duo they were in the regular season, they are still certainly play makers and worthy of their first line position. While Nashville's play was styled well to shut them down, it remains to be seen if the Sharks will be able to do the same. Offensively and defensively, the Nucks remains strong and healthy. All that to say, I'm going with the Canucks in 6.

Tampa Bay (5) vs Boston (3)
Who would have thought that these two teams would have come through the second round the way they did? Roloson continues to be lucky, if not solid, between the pipes. Thomas is superb. Have I mentioned that I just like that guy? He really caught my attention in the all star skills competition. The guy smiles all the time. He has fun and tries to make sure that everyone else on the ice is having fun too, regardless of what team they play on. So there it is, battle of the goalies. Tampa Bay has this crazy drive to win. Where did they come from anyway? Boston is much more calm, cool and collected. The things that they were weaker at, special teams for example, in round one, they pulled together in round two. These are two teams that want to win. I'm going to pick Boston in 7.

So there you have it. I'm calling for a Vancouver vs Boston Stanley Cup final.

Why the men don't hang in kids' ministry...

2011-05-11T14:08:00.000-06:00

I'm really lucky to have a couple great guys who are leaders in the kids' program of our church. They provide a great perspective, much strength and fantastic role models for the kids, especially the boys, to follow. I get it. We're blessed. I love having guys working with our kids but I know that it's often a hard sell. For so many reasons, children's ministry is primarily the place where women serve, our church included. A family ministry guy that I read, posted a video on his blog that might explain this phenomena a bit. Thought I'd let you all think through the reasons too.

Current Read

2011-05-10T13:35:00.001-06:00

The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

I think it's fun to have a place to look back and see what I've been reading when but I realized that in my "break" from consistently blogging, I missed a whole bunch of my reads. Here's some of the titles I dug into but missed posting over the last year or so:

The Song of Albion Trilogy, Stephen Lawhead
The Hood Trilogy, Stephen Lawhead
The Last Templar, Khoury
Tale of Despereaux, Kate DiCamillo and Timothy Basil Ering
Search for the Red Dragon, James A. Owen
Shaman's Crossing, Robin Hobb
Gifted to Lead, Nancy Beach
Wings, Terry Pratchett
Sepulchre, Kate Mosse
M is for Magic, Neil Gaiman
Crazy Love, Francis Chan
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, Lisa See

This is one that I'm hoping to read. Half the Church. Has anyone read it yet? Any recommendations? I read this one here that was a start. I'd also love to have someone to read it with...

Current Read

2011-05-03T20:43:00.000-06:00

Visionary Parenting: Creating a God Sized Vision for Your Family; Rob Rienow

Let the creative juices flow

2011-05-03T20:39:00.001-06:00

I love this image. I stole it from this blog this evening and am convinced I'm going to print it to put up in my office. I will find a place. I love the color, the text and, most of all, the statement it makes. To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

Here's something I know about me - and about you: there's a creative element to the way God made me. Do you know how I know this? Because God is creative (hang out at the zoo and you'll see what I mean. I can't help but giggle when I see some of the critters he's made) and He has made you and I in his image. You could say that creativity is in our DNA. Some of us use it in different ways and at different levels but it's there nonetheless.

I like to write. I cook and bake and have decided that, really, nothing in a recipe is ever truly set in stone. Experiment. You just never know what you'll come up with. My camera and I are friends. I've taken up knitting (Yes, knitting. One day I'll share that story with you all). I love to dream big, making big plans, and I love it when a plan comes together. Making music makes me happy. I enjoy the great outdoors and appreciate God's creative work in it all. In the summer, you'll find me in my garden planting, pruning and designing my garden. I am most alive when I'm creating.

A shot I took this past week on a whim. Standing on a chair, twisting at odd angles and playing with light. Pleased with what happened.

A culinary experiment. Homemade whole wheat pizza crust topped with red peppers, chicken, peas basil pesto and sliced brie. I felt like Martha. Oh, and it tasted good. Even better.

All of those things, those avenues I choose, I have failed at. There's been pictures deleted, documents erased, dead plants and pots of soup that we did not eat. There were things that I've learned along the way because of those unsuccessful "tries." In the middle of that, though, there have been some gloriously freeing and satisfying creative moments. The kind where it just comes together and it works. I love the exhilaration of those moments and wonder if that isn't some of what God felt when he looked down on what he'd made each day and said "it was good."

Had I not been 'okay' with having some misses, I never would have had those moments and yet I wonder how much I've missed on other occasions because I've allowed the fear to come in. Fear of what others might think. Fear of failure. Fear of embarassement. Fear of wasted resources. Oh, and the list could go on, I'm sure. I wonder how much more productive I could be at work if I allowed my creative juices to truly flow and imagine the possibilities. I wonder how my life would be different if I let go of fear and allowed myself to truly dream about what God has in store and creatively imagine the possibilities. I wonder what else I would find myself smack in the middle of. I wonder.

2011-05-03T20:11:00.000-06:00

When I saw this pic on this blog today, I knew I had to have one! Birthday coming up...

2011-05-02T22:46:00.000-06:00

"When you understand that leadership is influence instead of position, it changes everything. You don't strive to be a leader; you strive to add value to people, and they'll let you be the leader." John Maxwell

I can't help but think about leadership today as our country awaits the final results on yet another national election. Wouldn't it be interesting if, in our political landscape, we could trust that the leaders were truly striving to add value to the lives of people instead of striving for the position of power and the accompanying influence (read ability to better themselves and their current situation)? One of the keys to a successful democratic system is that the leaders represent the people and represent them well. As I watch the polls, I can't help but hope that this could be a possibility.

Thinking about leadership always gets me thinking about the church and about how we lead there - how I lead and how I am led. I think of the way I interact with people in my day to day, in a variety of roles and in a variety of types of leadership. I pray that in my leadership the truth of Maxwell's words are evident; that I live a life of leadership in which I strive to and am able to add value to the people I encounter.

2011-05-02T22:37:00.002-06:00

"There is something about the age-old tradition of gathering around the table to share a meal that is good for body, mind, and soul. You can easily prepare great tasting food at home and spark deeper family connection at mealtime. This tasty, easy, and healthy approach is accessible to the novice and inspiring to the culinary guru. Reinvent a healthier you in the simple art of momalicious cooking."

I read this quote earlier today and it got me thinking, how many families out there still sit around the table and make meal time a time to share. Do you?

Current Read

2011-04-28T22:44:00.000-06:00

The Dragon's Apprentice, James A. Owen

And a few that I just finished:
The Shadow Dragons, James A. Owen
Leading On Empty, Wayne Cordeiro
Real Life Discipleship: Building Churches that Make Disciples, Jim Putman (a work in progress)

2011-04-28T22:10:00.000-06:00

For someone who really isn't caught up in this whole royal wedding thing, I'm sure finding lots to enjoy in it all. Like this blog post. It made me chuckle.

Round 2

2011-04-28T21:46:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I was feeling pretty good about myself until the end of the last two series last night. I was shooting for 100% (on teams at least) until that. Then, an over time win and a bad game later and I've missed on two. Ah well, on to the next series.

Vancouver (1) vs Nashville (5)
Well that was fun, now wasn't it!? I've never seen a team's fans turn on a team as fast as the majority of Vancouver fans did. Or news broadcasters. Ridiculous. I was thankful, that, Chicago - have I mentioned that I really hate that team - got to eat their cocky words and did "expose them [Vancouver] for the team they really are." Yes, there's a reason they're holding the President's Trophy and game 6 and 7 certainly showed it. That was fun hockey. Oh, and what about those those Predators? Who is that goal tender and where'd he come from?! It's fun to see a team that hungry - first time ever to go beyond the first round - and a coach that simple. "We're happy and relieved to make it to the second round," he says. Yes, I'm sure you are.

So what will we see? A team that's realized that they really do want this and a team that's surprised to find they have a chance. Vancouver in 6.

Detroit (5) vs San Jose (3)
If the long break between series following their sweep of Phoenix didn't put Detroit to sleep, I think this one will be a dull round. Detroit's got everyone back off injury - or at least that's the expectation - and San Jose is a little more beaten up after their series. San Jose definitely is a better team than Phoenix and has a lot more to energize them - from drive to fire power - I'm just not feeling it. Still, we're going to see it go long. Detroit in 7.

Tampa Bay (5) vs Washington (1)
Okay, so what if Roloson looks a lot like the Roloson that took Edmonton on their run in 2004? You know, the goalie that, when he's on, like he is right now, you start to wonder where on earth he's hiding all those lucky horse shoes. Seriously, maybe I'm selling the rest of the team a little short but he's what they've got going right now. They got some production from some of the young kids on their 3rd and 4th lines that is exciting and will go a long way to battling hard and making this fun. I still don't think it's enough. Washington looked calm, cool and collected, getting better every game. They got what they needed from the guys that were supposed to produce, guys living up to their potential. Everything they did well in the regular season has continued into the post season. I like the defensively minded system they're working. It works. Washington in 6.

Boston (3) vs Philly (2)
Okay, well this one's going to be fun, now, isn't it!? Both teams coming out of their series fairly battle worn but buoyed by their advance. Tim Thomas playing fantastic for Boston and Chara being, well, Chara. Oh ya, then there's Horton. He'll be alright. Here's the thing, their power play STINKS. Literally, stinks. In Philly's favor is the fact that they are seeing production out of a bunch of their players. I guess they have to with guys like Pronger not playing to potential, primarily due to injury. Downside to that is it comes with no real "go to" goalie. Maybe I'm wrong but eventually they've got to decide who they're going to run with between the pipes. Special teams could be interesting here too. Their power play was not great in the last series, not terrible, but not great. I guess when you're playing a team who couldn't score on the power play, that's probably not their biggest concern though, is it? And then there's last year and the question of history repeating itself. Ask Chicago how that went for them. All that to say, I'm going with Boston in 7.

A few other things to note from the last round:

Bitter flames fans and the way they are "enjoying" the playoffs bother me. I've been told if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Good advice. Sportsmanship can apply to fans too.

All of this about Winnipeg getting a team has been funny. Seriously, as much as I'm Canadian through and through and grew to love the game watching Edmonton beat the Jets, I can't see moving any team there being a stellar economic venture for any investor. That said, I think it would be funny to know that Byfuglien is living in Winnipeg (no offense to those who enjoy living in Winnipeg). If a team DOES go to Winnipeg, they have to be called the Jets. Anything else would just be silly.

Hats of to Chicago's Crawford. I know, I know. I hate Chicago but man, that kid was good.

I've decided this whole suspension/penalty/going to the dressing room for 15 after a head shot thing is getting more and more confusing and inconsistent all the time.

Okay, enough of that. Off to round 2.

2011-04-28T14:53:00.001-06:00

With all the media hoopla (yes, I said 'hoopla') over Kate and Will's wedding tomorrow, not to mention summer (read: wedding season) approaching, this blog post on marriage seems both timely and appropriate.

Note: I will not be watching Kate and Will's wedding tomorrow from 'across the pond' nor will I be attending any celebrations for the happy couple. When invited to one such party a couple of weeks ago, my confused response was "Who are Kate and Will?" as I panicked that I was forgetting someone close to me celebrating the joy and beauty of marriage in their lives. Nope. Phew.

2011-04-20T11:34:00.003-06:00

It's good to remember in ministry, especially children's ministry where it takes and army and nothing seems to go right...ever...Sunday will happen.

Today I miss the church.

2011-04-17T22:36:00.000-06:00

I believe in the church. I know that it's full of people that just don't have it all together (because not even the best of us do) but I believe there's a reason that God laid things out for us to meet together, to learn together, to worship together and to generally do life together. He planned the church, the assembly, the gathering of His people. I believe that when God's people gather and do His kingdom work, there is hope there. He has invited us to join together with Him on His mission to do good things, beautiful things, redeeming things in this world. I dream about the things that could be accomplished on this earth if we, the church, lived to our full potential and I long for the day when the Church could truly be a picture of Jesus here on earth. Even in our imperfection as an "organization," I don't believe that it's possible to fully live and experience the Christian life apart from some form of church community.

That said, I don't remember the last time I went to church. Don't get me wrong, I work at a church. I spend all week thinking about the "doing" of church. I am at a church every week but I don't remember the last time I actually "went" to church and I miss it. I feel hungry for corporate times of worship with my peers. I long for teaching and conversation that stirs the soul and reminds me of something bigger (and better!) than myself. I want to belong and truly be a part of something. I want to encourage and be encouraged. I want to listen to and share in the prayers of His people. I hope to grow and become more like Jesus and more like the me He has created me to be. It's important to care and be cared for. And I don't just mean on Sunday.

I wonder if there's others out there that work in churches that feel the same way. I'll be the first to say that there is something very rewarding about working with kids like I do, about leading them and teaching them in the ways of Jesus. It is a privilege and a gift. They look at God's word and work in the world in such refreshing ways. I guess that's why Scripture talks about the importance of coming to Him like a little child. I don't think it's just about the humility of a child but also the awe, the wonder and the perspective they have when they approach the throne of grace. There's good stuff that happens in me as I lead them. I know it. I believe it. And yet, it's still not going to church most weeks. It's going to work. Kids need leaders and leaders need "stuff." Most of that "stuff" comes from me so that they can do their thing. I'm watching the clock to ensure that I make good use of my time and get all parts of the lesson in. I'm "on," a performer presenting truth. Set up, make sure everything goes smoothly and then pack it all up again. By the time that's all done, most people are gone to go about their week. If conversation does happen with a grown up somewhere during the week, it's usually about the kids, the programs, about resources for them as they lead their kids and about the things they need to learn and grow. I ensure that all of my leaders are on a good rotation that allows for them regular times of worship with the larger body but that has not been an option for me and may not be for a long time so what do I do?

How do I stay full enough and whole enough to continue to give them the things they need? I feel like that's the paradox of ministry. I go to church but don't really go to church, not in the way that was intended. I feed (I hope) but am not really fed. I lead but am not led. I provide an environment for people to be encouraged and spurred on, sent into another week, Lord willing, while I walk away exhausted and wondering how to put one foot in front of the other. Again, I ask, what do I do to ensure that I have something to give?

I know there's no easy answers. I cringe when I hear someone talking about "practicing good self care" because I feel like that's so much easier said that done. As if by saying it some magic light bulb will come on and everything will be made right. "Oh yes, I didn't realize that's what I was supposed to be doing. Thank you for your wisdom." In so many ways, I know myself and what fills me up but am not sure how to make that happen in the current context. Intentions are good. Practicality is harder. I was told recently that I should go to a different church at a different time to be fed but to me that seems silly. Perhaps I'm looking at it wrong but first and foremost, I think of the time factor. In an already busy schedule, I see more scheduled time. Then I think of all the things I believe church should be and most, if not all, center around being a part of community, not around consuming, even though I know there's a part of me that may simply need to consume. To truly be a part of a church, I want to know and be known, not slip into the back row with a bunch of strangers.

I've tried increasing my dose of music and online teaching but again, that's about consuming and, from the comfort of my own living room, still seems to be lacking in something. Community perhaps? Reading His Word, prayer and times with Him are critical, vital and life giving (Have I stressed the importance of this enough?) but again, not solely in isolation.

There you have it. There are no easy answers on my mind tonight, only a lot of questions and heart that is heavy. Today I miss the church.

Round 1 Picks

2011-04-13T13:57:00.001-06:00

Hockey plays an important role in my house. Hockey night in Canada means something. Okay, it means chips, dip and beer on the couch. It also means good competition, lively banter and well intentioned trash talk (if that's possible, it happens in my house) and that's just with the commentators before the game! Last week, it even meant a whirl wind trip to Edmonton and back in an evening for the chance to see our two teams play each other...while we sat in row 14. When, really, are we going to get that chance again!?

Tonight, the playoffs start and that means a whole new world of entertainment. I find it particularly satisfying that the fLames are not in the playoffs (note: I was perfectly aware all season that Edmonton wouldn't make it anyway. I get it. I'm aware of the realities of cheering for my team) and have had fun pointing out that, when April hits and playoffs are rolling, no one actually cares whether your team was 30th or 17th...until there's draft picks to be had. Did I mention that, as of this morning, it's confirmed that Edmonton has the first round pick? Where's Calgary on the list? Do they even get a draft pick this year? Oh, but I digress.

The whole point of this was that I was going to give my picks for the first round. I haven't posted them on here for a season or two but thought I'd get back in the habit with this season. Here goes:

Chicago (8) vs Vancouver (1)
I'm taking Vancouver in 6 for this one. Some might say that I don't have a choice in the matter but I wouldn't believe them if I were you. I know, I know. How many times has a President's Trophy team won the cup? Oh, and how many times has Chicago beat Vancouver in the playoffs? Okay, I get it, there's some superstition working against the Nucks this year but I'm not a superstitious girl. They've been first in pretty much every recorded stat category in the league this year, they've got two goalies they can count on and a pretty deep list of superstars. Injuries seem to be healing. Chicago is not the team they have been over the past couple seasons. They didn't finish the season strong. Plus, I just hate them. I do.

LA (7) vs San Jose (2)
If you would have asked me 2 months ago, I would have said LA hands down but they didn't finish nearly as strong as they started AND they've got a few key injuries. That said, they won't go down easy. I haven't been watching much of San Jose but what I have seen looks better than, well, LA. I'm going for San Jose in 7.

Phoenix (6) vs Detroit (3)
Detroit might be without Zetterberg and I might pretty much hate them (them and Chicago. ug) but when it's between a war vet team like Detroit and Phoenix who's only hope is a guy like Jovanovski, I've gotta go for Detroit. Not a sweep but I'm thinking 5.

Nashville (5) vs Anaheim (4)
I think this is a stupid match up. Who watches hockey in Nashville and Anaheim? That said, I like Perry and think that the last half of the regular season bodes well for Anaheim. There it is. Anaheim in 6.

On to the East...

New York Rangers (8) vs Washington (1)
I would love to say that this would be an upset because I think it would be funny but I just don't see it happening. Between injuries and guys just not playing to potential, I have a hard time seeing the Rangers doing anything useful in this match up. Washington in four. Yes, I said it. Sweep.

Buffalo (7) vs Philly (2)
I'm still not sure how Philly finished second instead of first. I think that's dumb. While riddled with injuries, I still think that this round is going to be relatively uneventful. Philly in 6 and even that, I think, is being generous to Buffalo.

Montreal (6) vs Boston (3)
If the regular season series between these two teams has shown anything, it's that these two teams have something to fight about. This match up is going to be on from the moment they hit the ice. This means war, I tell you, and I think they're going to fight it for seven games. I like Tim Thomas but I think the match up between him and Price is pretty even. Both stellar. The difference is going to be the power play. Montreal has it and Boston doesn't. Montreal in 7.

Tampa Bay (5) and Pittsburgh (4)
With or without Crosby (or Malkin), this one's still going to be Pittsburgh in 6. They've come off the regular season hot, matched up well against Tampa and have the experience. Tampa Bay will put up a fight, Lacavailer will play strong but, at the end of the day, the young team just doesn't have what it takes. Sorry Florida.

2011-04-12T22:56:00.000-06:00

2011-04-06T14:17:00.000-06:00

If I'm not living in active response to the living God revealed in the Bible, reading about his creation/salvation/holiness won't interest me—at least not for long. The most important question we ask of any text isn't "What does this mean?" but "What can I obey?" Simple obedience will open up our lives to a text more than any number of Bible studies, dictionaries, and concordances.

Eat This Book, Eugene Peterson

Say Thank You

2011-04-03T22:17:00.003-06:00

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal

into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our

past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

~Melody Beattie

Thanks, Rachel, for posting this. It's important to me to be living a life of gratitude - there's lots to be thankful, you know - but often the heaviness of life distracts from that reality. No matter how heavy, how full, or how painful life may seem, it's true that finding the fullness of it, even in those moments, comes when you can recognize the gifts that are found in the midst of it all.

2011-04-03T22:08:00.005-06:00

I realize that I have taken a significant break in my posting. Oh sure, there's been bits and pieces here and there, feeble attempts at continuing what I started years ago, but nothing like I used to. I miss it. I really do.

I've been inspired recently by some of the great blogs that I've been reading. There's some people out there that really know what they're doing. I feel like some of them are writing the blog I wish I could keep. They record their family adventures, cooking adventures, creative knitting projects, moments in life captured in photographic genius and deep questions and ponderings on some of life's deepest things, particularly things surrounding faith, church and how it all collides together to impact life in deep and meaningful ways. Yes, the blog I wish I was writing.

Today I spent a bit of time perusing some of the posts from years gone by and have been reminded - yes, again - about how much fun I've had writing about the things that make up my life; deep things, trivial things and everything in between. I'm trying to get back in the habit. I'd like to say that it's because life is busy but if you know me at all, you know it's always been busy. So I'm working on it. Working on getting back in the habit of reflecting, sharing and living a life worth writing about ;)

2011-04-03T21:59:00.002-06:00

Ever have a day when you just don't have it? You don't really know what "it" is but you're sure it's not there? Okay, well that's the kind of season I'm living in right now. I think of all the things that need to be done or that are ahead of me requiring large doses of emotional energy and I just don't think I can. It's all I can do to get out of bed. I do it but I feel like I'm only half as productive as I want to be and that becomes part of the problem. And then I remember that Jesus promised that his strength and his power would be made perfect in my weakness. It's in seasons like this that I know more deeply how true that really is...and I'm thankful.

Ah, facebook...

2011-04-01T22:55:00.000-06:00

2011-04-01T22:37:00.003-06:00

Donald Miller inserts just the right amount of sarcasm here (yes, talks about discipleship and sarcasm do mix) and here (best blog post addressing this media controversy to date in my opinion) to help me finish off my day. Thanks, Donald!

Push Pause

2011-04-01T22:22:00.003-06:00

Today I had almost a whole day off. I know. Let's take a minute and insert the appropriate shock and awe here. It's good, it really is. In fact, I think I should do it more. Next step? A complete day off. Baby steps, my friends.

Anyway, here's the thing with today. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't rest. I couldn't stop. I couldn't even push pause. I was antsy and almost angry at having to slow down at certain points in the day. I even disinfected the kitchen sink before I could actually feel okay about slowing down. Ridiculous, I know, but true.

Now it's the end of the day and I appreciate the moments of 'slow' that I've had today. Time to sip a coffee with Colin. Games with him and the girls. Cooking a "real" dinner on a weeknight. Laughing. Catching up on a few blogs. Speaking of catching up on blogs, I stumbled on this timely post today. Seriously, this lady could be writing to me!

I think about what letter I would write to myself, knowing what I know now. Even more importantly, I think about how to move forward from here with that insight. One of my big struggles in the whole thing right now is work-life balance. Working two jobs rarely allows me a moments freedom and so I'm in the habit of being in a hurry. More than that, though, I feel like there's something - or several somethings - that drives me, something that pushes me forward and has me looking for the next thing. It's more than just being driven. It's the part of me that I'm working to unravel and unpack right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, like figuring out the inner workings of my crazy compulsions might just be the ticket to getting me off this crazy hamster wheel. I know I'll always be a busy, involved person. I'm not patient and I don't sit still well. I just want to do it in a healthier manner. it's got to be possible!

2011-03-30T09:26:00.002-06:00

"A recent study by the Barna group found that the number one challenge to helping people grow spiritually is that most people equate spiritual maturity with trying hard to follow the rules in the Bible. No wonder that people find themselves unmotivated to pursue spiritual growth. If I think God's aim is to produce rule-followers, spiritual growth will always be an obligation rather than a desire of my heart.

"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith," Paul wrote, "but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping." In other words, it only results in a rule-keeping, desire-smothering, Bible-reading, emotion-controlling, self-righteous person who is not like me. In the end, I cannot follow God if I don't trust that he really has my best interests at heart.

The letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. There is an enormous difference between following rules and following Jesus, because I can follow the rules without cultivating the right heart."

"Jesus did not say, "I have come that you might follow the rules." He said, "I have come that you might have life, and have it with abundance."

When we cease to understand spiritual growth as moving toward God's best version of ourselves, the question, how is your spiritual life going? frightens us. A nagging sense of guilt and a deficit of grace prompt us to say, "Not too well. Not as good as I should be doing." People often use external behaviors and devotional practices to measure their spiritual health. They measure their spiritual life by how early they are getting up to read the Bible, or how long their quiet times are, or how often they attend church services. But that is not what spiritual formation is about."

The above is taken from "the me I want to be - becoming God's best version of you" by John Ortberg

I've got stuff to say about this. It frightens me a bit, as I lead leaders at our church who are involved daily in the art of discipleship. As North Americans we're so good at finding markers of success but in this case, in the ways of spiritual formation and spiritual maturity (have I told you how much I hate that phrase!?), what are they?

Is it age? Simply time, in years, spent "in the faith" that mean you're a mature person? Want to know what I think? I think that makes you old. Seriously. I've known plenty of people who have walked with Jesus for years who are people of mature and deep faith but then there are others who are not. Furthermore, I have found people young in years and deep in faith. Refreshing to find either, isn't it?

So if that's not it, what is it? I think that's when we get into observing the rules. The one who lives the law the best is, well, the best. But wait. What about the one who seeks hard, loves hard but falls hard? Admits it, seeks out Jesus and perseveres? What about the one who looks different from me in their search? They read the Bible and they love Jesus but they somehow do it differently than I do. Does that make them less or more? I hope that there's room in the Kingdom for those people...and for me too.

So how do we overcome this judgement of spiritual maturity by markers, by rule following and by guilt of not 'doing' enough? How do we lead this way? How do we walk with people in - and give ourselves - freedom to find the life, the deep, rich, everlasting life, that comes from truly following Jesus? What would a community of believers, a church, full of people living this way look like? I want to find that!

2011-03-30T09:21:00.001-06:00

"What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity."

J. Sidlow Baxter
1903-1999, Author and Theologian

2011-03-29T14:40:00.001-06:00

"And I can always give thanks because an all-powerful God always has all these things-all things-always under control". Ann Voskamp

2011-03-29T11:03:00.000-06:00

Mother Teresa once said, “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” Hmm.

Current Read

2011-03-21T17:05:00.002-06:00

The Indigo King, James A. Owen

Also reading:
Finding the Flow: Guide for Small Group Facilitators, Tara Miller & Jenn Peppers

Ready for Anything!

2011-03-07T15:14:00.002-07:00

Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
Copyright © 1995-2011 Universal Uclick - All Rights Reserved.

A friend of mine posted this on his blog and I couldn't help but add it here. I need a suit like that too!

2011-03-07T15:07:00.002-07:00

Spence Shelton on prayer:

"Prayer is God’s means for people to acknowledge their dependence on him for all things. So when we praise him, when we confess to him, when we believe him for a brother’s need, we put ourselves where God designed for us to be: dependent on his provision. A rich prayer life is one that regularly and unreservedly cries out "Abba, Father."

I've been doing a lot of reading on prayer and am sure I'm not done yet. I like this definition. What do you think?

2011-03-03T17:16:00.002-07:00

“Leaders influence followers far more by the context out of which they live – body language, personal values, social relationships, dress, consumer choices, chosen companions – than the text they articulate. Leadership is not primarily a skill, although it employs skills. Leadership is a way of living that suffuses everything we do and are. Leadership is a way of being in the family and marriage, a way of being among friends, a way of going to work, a way of climbing mountains, but most basic, a way of following Jesus. And so in a culture in which there is an enormous attention to leadership, it is essential that we take a long hard look at what is previous and foundational to leadership, namely, “followership” – following Jesus (Mark 1:17). Followership gets us moving obediently in a way of life that is visible and audible in Jesus, a way of speaking, thinking, imagining, and praying that is congruent with immediate realities of “kindgom” living. Following enters into a way of life that is given its character and shape by the leader. Following involves picking up rhythms and ways of doing things that are mostly unsaid. Following means that you can’t separate what the leader is doing and the way she or he is doing it. For those of us who are in positions of leadership – as parents, teachers, pastors, employers, physicians, lawyers, homemakers, students, farmers, writers – our following skills take priority over our leadersip skills. Leadership that is not well-grounded in followership – following Jesus – is dangerous to both the church and the world.”

(Eugene Peterson, “Follow the Leader,” Fuller Focus (Fall 2001) :31.

2011-03-03T16:45:00.002-07:00

"Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem. The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people."

Richard Foster
(Celebration of Discipline, 1978)

I've been thinking a lot about this quote lately. I want to be a deep leader. Shoot, I just want to be a deep Jesus follower. Lately, though, I feel more empty than anything. Is there depth to emptiness? What's truly going on in these seasons of life? Perhaps it's a depth of relationship with Jesus that actually helps us survive the valleys that will, inevitably, arrive. I'd rather that than to say that it's a lack of depth that brings them on. Believe me, sometimes that's how it feels but somehow that seems like a false picture. Like a lie from the deceiver meant to kick a girl when she's down. He's like that, you know. Regardless, I choose depth.

I think of the disciplines I've been taught through my life, particularly the spiritual disciplines and wonder, how do we foster depth? What things are y'all doing to foster depth in your relationships with others and with Jesus?

For those of you that are church leaders, how do you help those you lead in their pursuit of depth? It's easy to look at people and see their strengths, weaknesses and potential for "success." We market people's abilities. More important, to me, is heart. So how do we encourage heart? How do we show people that there's so much more and encourage them to want it? How do we, together, strive for and lead for depth?

It seems that today is more about questions than about answers.

2011-03-01T15:29:00.002-07:00

Hillsong United - Like An Avalanche from Liefzmij on Vimeo.

"Beautiful God
Laying Your majesty aside
You reached out in love to show me life
Lifted from darkness into light
King for a slave
Trading Your righteousness for shame
Despite all my pride and foolish ways
Caught in Your infinite embrace"

There's something about this realization that continually amazes me. God became flesh and lived among us willingly. There is no greater love than this. Laying majesty aside and choosing rejection and darkness to ensure that we could be reconciled to Him. What greater love is there than this!? And yet daily, we choose darkness, sin and, well, garbage. We choose it, convince ourselves that it's right and good and best, all the while, rejecting those who might try to lead us back down the path of righteousness and help us walk in the light. Crazy!

2011-02-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

"Imagine a church where the main thing is the main thing. A church where people convene primarily in homes and secondarily in public spaces for worship services. A church where the ministry is carried out by ordinary people and it is the pastor's job to identify, deploy, train and support these ministers. A church that is warm and accepting of both the churched and the unchurched. A church that sees hundreds/thousands baptized each year. A church that has no geographical limits but spreads from house to house---neighborhood to neighborhood, city to city, nation to nation. A church that is not just multi-location--but also multiethnic and multinational. What if this church were more like a movement than a ministry?"
Deliberate Simplicity---Dave Browning.

2011-02-16T15:30:00.004-07:00

"Average leaders focus on what happens next. Extraordinary leaders focus on what happens after next." Kerrick Thomas

Faith At Home event

2011-02-10T15:16:00.002-07:00

I just found out about a fantastic event coming to Calgary. It's a parenting seminar to help provide you with the resources and tools to make your faith a part of your family's every day life. I've read some of their books and heard Mark Holmen speak. It's practical stuff that even the busiest moms and dads could make happen. Best part? It's free! Tickets are needed so they know how many people but I've got some and, like I said, they're free.

Here's some info:

Extreme Family Makeover

This 3 hour seminar will inspire, motivate and equip parents to reestablish the home as the primary place where faith is nurtured. Come ready to gain lots of practical ideas you can begin implementing immediately to bring faith practices into your home life.

Phase 1 - Facing Our Condition
Did you realize that less than 10% of Christian households pray (other than at mealtime), read the Bible, do devotions or participate in any type of worship at home? What does this mean? Where does this lead? What happens when faith is not being lived out or talked about in the home?

Phase 2 - Creating A Vision/Plan
We have retirement plans, educational plans and vacation plans yet do we have a plan for how to grow spiritually as a family? Let's learn how to build a spiritual growth plan.

Phase 3 - Building a Unique Lifestyle
Every family is unique and there are many ways to live out your faith at home. Let's learn ways to bring faith back into the center of our daily lives.

Phase 4 - Welcoming Partners
It's not easy being a Christian or Christian household. Who can you invite to help you stay the course and keep growing in your faith walk?

Thursday, March 3 6:30-9:00pm

Foothills Alliance

Presented by Mark Holmen (faith at home pioneer) and Brian Siewert (faith at home Canada Director)

For more information, visit www.faithathome.ca

*this is the info for the Calgary event but there's events all across the country over the next couple weeks. Dates and locations are found at the Faith at Home Canada website.

Current Read

2011-02-10T15:09:00.003-07:00

Prayer; Does it Make Any Difference?, Yancey

I feel like there may just be a few great quotes to come from this one. I feel more and more pressed to study and practice prayer in whole new ways. I long to have this as a much greater part of my life of faith. If anyone's got any great suggestions on other reads in this area, feel free to pass them on...and yes, I am reading the Bible as my primary resource on the topic. Seems like that would only make sense! :)

2011-02-07T16:24:00.001-07:00

After some of what our church family has wrestled with, dealt with and survived over the last several years, I found this article to be particularly refreshing: The Church and Sexual Immorality.

2011-02-02T18:04:00.001-07:00

Beyond Recovery

2011-02-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

Current Read

2011-02-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Renegade's Magic: Book Three Of The Soldier Son Trilogy, Robin Hobb

2011-02-02T17:42:00.002-07:00

"I recently had an epiphany: about half the Christians I know love the King but are almost oblivious to the fact that he rules a kingdom, and that he calls them, in season and out, to seek his kingdom and to advance it. They are intimate with the King, or at least they say they are, but they're not about the King's business. And this: that about half the pagans I know have some inkling there's a kingdom - that life is meant to be other than it is, more joyful, hopeful, peaceful, fruitful, just; less segregated, paranoid, dismal, violent - and to varying degrees they are stumbling toward the kingdom, groping for it. But they are mostly oblivious to two things: first, that what they dream, however blurrily, is really the kingdom of God rather than some political utopia or socialist paradise or retooled version of the American dream, and second, that this kingdom has a King. They intuit the kingdom, and in some remarkable cases are doing the King's business, but they shun or remain aloof from or outright ignorant of or openly hostile to its King."

Mark Buchanan, Spiritual Rhythms, pg 217

I've been thinking about this. In church circles, we talk about the kingdom and about serving a King. It comes right out of Scripture.

Matthew 6:10 "May your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven."

Matthew 6:33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."

Funny thing is, I wonder if we really have a concept of that means. We don't serve a King. We don't live in a kingdom. We don't have princes and princesses, borders to guard or advance, fairy talks with knights and dungeons or dragons to slay.

I think of all the movies that I love from the era of kings and queens. There's generally some sort of epic battle. The monarchy is either loved and revered or hated and despised. There's knights to serve faithfully. There's boarders to guard and competing kingdoms: "those guys over there" to protect against which often leads to some sort of treachery or espionage. There's adventure. Always adventure.

If we really thought about serving a "King" and being a part of a "kingdom" in those terms, I wonder if our thoughts about living for Jesus would change. If we recognized the power of a king to change and influence his kingdom, I wonder if we would see our King differently. Our King of peace, of joy, of love, of grace and of justice ruling over the powers of darkness and defeating it. I wonder if we would live differently. I wonder if those who don't know Jesus, who don't recognize the King (yet), would see something more, something bigger and something genuine if we did. I wonder.

2011-01-25T17:23:00.001-07:00

"You don't get honor by seeking honor. You get honor by giving honor." - Mark Batterson

2011-01-14T18:54:00.002-07:00

"I'm restless, I'm restless, till I rest in you, till I rest in you. I am restless, I'm restless, till I rest in you, till I rest in you."

I feel that often. A deep restlessness that I can't figure out how to satisify. I've often wondered if that's something that will ever truly find satisfaction here. I feel like it must be a bit of a holy hunger, a longing for heaven. When I put it in that perspective, I almost revel in it, thankful that for at least a moment, my heart is tuned in to His voice and my longing for heaven superseeds my longing for the things of this world. If only I could say that that were my perspective all the time. Sometimes I'm just restless, deeply restless, and forget why.

2011-01-14T17:41:00.002-07:00

"Men seek petty gains; they will quarrel shamefully over a single coin; for a mere trifle or vague promise they will toil day and night...For an imperishable good, for a reward beyond all reckoning, for the highest honour and for glory without end, they are unwilling to endure a little toil." -Thomas A Kempis

How much are we truly willing to "work" for the Kingdom, to sacrifice to see the Kingdom gain? Gulp.

For all my superstitious sportsfan friends

2011-01-11T23:12:00.001-07:00

2011-01-11T22:38:00.003-07:00

This song was played as part of a worship set at a church leadership conference I was at last week. It was the first time I'd heard it but somehow it took up residence in my heart. With all the questions I've been asking lately, this song has buoyed me and spoken to me in new ways. I've always believed that God speaks to me through music and this seems to be another one of those songs through which His promises have been made new to me. He makes beautiful things out of us. Out of the messes we find ourselves in. God steps into our worst situations and redeems them. I have lost count of how many times I have said that God is in the redemption business and I still believe it. He makes new things. He takes the worst and turns it into something beautiful for His glory. He makes me new.

An article...

2011-01-11T13:43:00.002-07:00

Brad Brisco-Transitioning from Traditional to Missional

Over the past few months I have had an increasing number of conversations with pastors and church leaders about moving existing churches in a missional direction. I have been asked what key issues or topics need to be considered when attempting to transition a traditional church. The following list is certainly not conclusive or comprehensive, but here are nine elements that I believe need to be considered when making a missional shift:

1. Start with Spiritual Formation

God calls the church to be a sent community of people who no longer live for themselves but instead live to participate with Him in His redemptive purposes. However, people will have neither the passion nor the strength to live as a counter-cultural society for the sake of others if they are not transformed by the way of Jesus. If the church is to “go and be,” rather than “come and see,” then we must make certain that we are a Spirit-formed community that has the spiritual capacity to impact the lives of others.

This means the church must take seriously its responsibility to cultivate spiritual transformation that does not allow believers to remain as adolescents in their spiritual maturity. Such spiritual formation will involve much greater relational underpinnings and considerable engagement with a multitude of spiritual disciplines.

One such discipline should involve dwelling in the word, whereby the church learns to regard Scripture not as a tool, but as the living voice of God that exists to guide people into His mission. If we believe the mission is truly God’s mission, then we must learn to discern where He is working; and further discern, in light of our gifts and resources, how He desires a church to participant in what He is doing in a local context.

2. Cultivate a Missional Leadership Approach

The second most important transition in fostering a missional posture in a local congregation is rethinking church leadership models that have been accepted as the status quo. This will require the development of a missional leadership approach that has a special emphasis on the apostolic function of church leadership, which was marginalized during the time of Christendom in favor of the pastor/teacher function.

This missional leadership approach will involve creating an apostolic environment throughout the life of the church. The leader must encourage pioneering activity that pushes the church into new territory. However, because not all in the church will embrace such risk, the best approach will involve creating a sort of “R&D” or “skunk works” department in the church for those who are innovators and early adopters.

A culture of experimentation must be cultivated where attempting new initiatives is expected, even if they don’t all succeed. As pioneering activities bear fruit, and the stories of life change begin to bubble up within the church, an increasing number of people will begin to take notice and get involved.

3. Emphasize the Priesthood of All Believers

Martin Luther’s idea of the priesthood of all believers was that all Christians were called to carry out their vocational ministries in every area of life. Every believer must fully understand how their vocation plays a central part in God’s redemptive Kingdom.

I think it was Rick Warren who made popular the phase “every member is a minister.” While this phrase is a helpful slogan to move people to understand their responsibility in the life of the church, God’s purpose for His church would be better served if we encouraged people to recognize that “every member is a missionary.” This missionary activity will include not just being sent to far away places, but to local work places, schools and neighborhoods.

4. Focus Attention on the Local Community

As individual members begin to see themselves as missionaries sent into their local context the congregation will begin to shift from a community-for-me mentality, to a me-for-the-community mentality. The church must begin to develop a theology of the city that sees the church as an agent of transformation for the good of the city (Jeremiah 29:7). This will involve exegeting each segment of the city to understand the local needs, identify with people, and discover unique opportunities for the church to share the good news of Jesus.

5. Don’t Do It Alone

Missional activity that leads to significant community transformation takes a lot of work and no church can afford to work alone. Missional churches must learn to create partnerships with other churches as well as already existing ministries that care about the community.

6. Create New Means of Measuring Success

The church must move beyond measuring success by the traditional indicators of attendance, buildings and cash. Instead we must create new scorecards to measure ministry effectiveness. These new scorecards will include measurements that point to the church’s impact on community transformation rather than measuring what is happening among church members inside the church walls. For the missional church it is no longer about the number of people active in the church but instead the number of people active in the community. It is no longer about the amount of money received but it is about the amount of money given away.

A missional church may ask how many hours has the church spent praying for community issues? How many hours have church members spent with unbelievers? How many of those unbelievers are making significant movement towards Jesus? How many community groups use the facilities of the church? How many people are healthier because of the clinic the church operates? How many people are in new jobs because of free job training offered by the church? What is the number of school children who are getting better grades because of after-school tutoring the church provides. Or how many times do community leaders call the church asking for advice?

Until the church reconsiders the definition of ministry success and creates new scorecards to appropriately measure that success, it will continue to allocate vital resources in misguided directions.

7. Search for Third Places

In a post-Christendom culture where more and more people are less and less interested in activities of the church, it is increasingly important to connect with people in places of neutrality, or common “hang outs.” In the book “The Great Good Place” author Ray Oldenburg identifies these places of common ground as “third places.”

According to Oldenburg, third places are those environments in which people meet to interact with others and develop friendships. In Oldenburg’s thinking our first place is the home and the people with whom we live. The second place is where we work and the place we spend the majority of our waking hours. But the third place is an informal setting where people relax and have the opportunity to know and be known by others.

Third places might include the local coffee shop, hair salon, restaurant, mall, or fitness center. These places of common ground must take a position of greater importance in the overall ministry of the church as individuals begin to recognize themselves as missionaries sent into the local context to serve and share.

In addition to connecting with people in the third places present in our local communities, we need to rediscover the topic of hospitality whereby our own homes become a place of common ground. Biblical hospitality is much more than entertaining others in our homes. Genuine hospitality involves inviting people into our lives, learning to listen, and cultivating an environment of mercy and justice, whether our interactions occur in third places or within our own homes. Regardless of our setting, we must learn to welcome the stranger.

8. Tap into the Power of Stories

Instead of trying to define what it means to be missional, it is helpful to describe missional living through stories and images. Stories create new possibilities and energize people to do things they had not previously imagined. We can capture the “missional imagination” by sharing what other faith communities are doing and illustrate what it looks like to connect with people in third places, cultivate rapport with local schools, and build life transforming relationships with neighbors.

Moreover, we can reflect deeply on biblical images of mission, service and hospitality by spending time on passages such as Genesis 12:2, Isaiah 61:1-3, Matthew 5:43; 10:40; 22:39; 25:35; and Luke 10:25-37.

9. Promote Patience

The greatest challenge facing the church in the West is the “re-conversion” of its own members. We need to be converted away from an internally-focused, Constantinean mode of church, and converted towards an externally-focused, missional-incarnational movement that is a true reflection of the missionary God we follow.

However, this conversion will not be easy. The gravitational pull to focus all of our resources on ourselves is very strong. Because Christendom still maintains a stranglehold on the church in North America – even though the culture is fully aware of the death of Christendom – the transition towards a missional posture will take great patience; both with those inside and outside the church. Many inside the church will need considerable time to learn how to reconstruct church life for the sake of others. At the same time, the church will need to patiently love on people, and whole communities, that have increasingly become skeptical of the church.

You can go directly to Brad's, Missionalchurchnetwork blog HERE

2011-01-10T17:38:00.005-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk in tears. I just finished reading this article and the timing couldn't have been more appropriate. I've spent the last several weeks trying to sort out (again!) what my place and purpose in ministry and in the Kingdom is. I struggle with feeling out of place and out of sorts because of the expectations and assumptions around me.

Take today, for example. Our staff meeting consists of 3 of us - Lead Pastor, Worship Pastor and myself, the Associate Minister (previously known as the Children's Pastor. Add another aspect to the job description and, poof, a new title emerges). Because we don't have a building, we have needed to find another space to meet. Another large church in the area has allowed us some of their space. We were sitting having our meeting when a lady, who I assumed to be on staff, walked by. We chatted a bit about Journey, being a church plant in the area, etc and affirmed that this was, in fact, our staff meeting. She quite boldly went around the circle and named the positions she assumed to us and, of course, was right. Senior Pastor. Worship Pastor. Children's Pastor. Check.

Sometimes the truth hurts. I admit to being quite offended that, by a glance, she could assume that I am the Children's Pastor. While it's true, the assumption grates on me. Why did she assume that? I wasn't carrying a box of crayons - or any other children's ministry paraphanalia for that matter - with me anymore than our Worship Pastor was carrying his guitar. Was it because I was the only woman in the circle?

For years, I have struggled with the feeling that the only role available to me as a woman in ministry is in Children's Ministry. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the kids I serve and know that that role provides me a place to serve God and His Kingdom for now. That much is true without question. If you asked me, however, if I felt particularily passionate about Children's ministry over other ministries of the church or if I could see myself doing this for the rest of my life, I would have to answer no. Again, I love kids but the truth is, I love the church and, even more so, the Kingdom, more. It's because kids are part of the church and part of the kingdom that I do what I do. I hope I'm making sense here!

Kid's ministry is my way to serve the church and the kingdom for now but I feel like it's not entirely me most of the time. Get me in a room with a bunch of Children's Ministers and I feel entirely out of place. Put me in a room with church planters, coaches, strategic planners, and spiritual directors and I feel like I have something to offer the conversation.

I love to look at the big picture and strategically envision what potentials the Church has for doing the work of the Kingdom. I love to vision cast, define values and create strategy and structure to make those things a reality. I want to empower and encourage people to think far bigger than themselves and see that God is calling each and every one of us to something so much bigger than ourselves. It excites me when I see or hear about communities that are coming together to do that well. It inspires me to dive into the deeper truths of faith and to consider the impact they have on our lives and faith. It rocks my world to consider what would happen if we all truly lived out the grace of God in our lives and, because of the difference that has made in us, were to seek out ways to bring that grace to those around us. I want to be a part of that. I want to lead in that kind of a context. I want to dream up and initiate, as part of a team, something that would accomplish something so much bigger than myself. That, however, is typically not the place for a 30-something female.

And so I maintain. I get to - and I mean get to as it truly is a privilege - love on fantastic kids and share with them the love of Jesus. Still, there's a part of me that longs for, that hungers, for something more and resists the expectations and assumptions put on me because of some weird set of presuppositions years worth of tradition has created, assumptions that, at times, I, myself, buy into. I feel a little bit like a snake must feel just before it sheds its skin - like it fits just a bit too tight but not sure how to find relief or make positive change. There was a time I might have doubted God and wondered what on earth He was thinking to put this set of gifts and abilities in me. Now I doubt myself for not being able to discern the steps ahead.

So today, I'm praying for discernment and for clarity and freedom to become more of what God has made me to be.

To Build A Fence - Children's Ministry

2011-01-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

Read this article today on boundaries for ministry, or any form of leadership for that matter.

To Build A Fence - Children's Ministry

2011-01-03T11:39:00.001-07:00

"Christ is more of an artist than the artists; He works in the living spirit and the living flesh;
He makes men instead of statues"

Vincent Van Gogh

2010-12-17T00:15:00.001-07:00

2010-12-16T23:58:00.006-07:00

This song taken up residence in my heart since I heard it for the first time this past Sunday. Goosebumps, I tell you, goosebumps! How many greats have become the least for me? Only one. That, my friends, is the message of Christmas.

This is Jesus, "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped and made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:6-8)

A father's son. A king. Humbled. Rejected. Despised. Lowered. All for me. And for you.

2010-12-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

2010-12-14T15:08:00.002-07:00

What kind of king, indeed?!

Captain, my captain...

2010-12-11T23:49:00.005-07:00

...or should I say "show boat?!" Nah. I love this goal and am thrilled that this kid is wearing the blue and orange this season. Yet another reason that I think this is just going to continue to be a fun season for the Oil...I've said it since the beginning of this season, they may not win a bunch but it sure will be fun to watch.

Spare Parts

oops

In Response

Practicing truth and the love of a good man

Current Read

Top Ten Health Reasons to Drink Coffee

"Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!"- T. Harv Eker

What do you want to be when you grow up?

The Evolution of the Gingerbreadman

Tee hee

Eggnog Cream Puffs

Read with me?

Article: On Modesty

How 'Modest Is Hottest' Is Hurting Christian Women

Current Read

This and that, here and there...Part 1

Laughter is the best medicine

From Sacred Voices: Essential Women's Wisdom Through the Ages

New Beginnings...

He said, She said

Current Read

Coffee, coffee, coffee...

Weekend Wanderings

Current Read

Final picks

Makes Me Chuckle

Who am I?

The Lord's Prayer

Round 3

Why the men don't hang in kids' ministry...

Current Read

Current Read

Let the creative juices flow

Current Read

Round 2

Today I miss the church.

Round 1 Picks

Say Thank You

Ah, facebook...

Push Pause

"What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity."J. Sidlow Baxter1903-1999, Author and Theologian

Current Read

Ready for Anything!

Faith At Home event

Current Read

Beyond Recovery

Current Read

Renegade's Magic: Book Three Of The Soldier Son Trilogy, Robin Hobb

"You don't get honor by seeking honor. You get honor by giving honor." - Mark Batterson

For all my superstitious sportsfan friends

An article...

Brad Brisco-Transitioning from Traditional to Missional

To Build A Fence - Children's Ministry

Captain, my captain...

"Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!"
- T. Harv Eker

"What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity."

J. Sidlow Baxter
1903-1999, Author and Theologian